Top 100 Facts About Steve Jobs

  1. Steve Jobs sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  2. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Steve Jobs is on.
  3. Steve Jobs was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  4. Steve Jobs used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  5. Along with his black belt, Steve Jobs often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  6. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Steve Jobs"
  7. Steve Jobs's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Steve Jobs.
  8. Steve Jobs was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  9. Steve Jobs is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  10. Steve Jobs's blood type is WD-40.
  11. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Steve Jobs, 3. Cancer
  12. Circles exist because Steve Jobs beat the crap out of some squares.
  13. Steve Jobs's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Steve Jobs will not take crap from anyone.
  14. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Steve Jobs."
  15. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Steve Jobs always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  16. For Steve Jobs, every street is "one way". His way.
  17. For undercover police work, Steve Jobs pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  18. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Steve Jobs".
  19. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Steve Jobs and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  20. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Steve Jobs.
  21. Steve Jobs always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  22. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Steve Jobs.
  23. Google won't search for Steve Jobs because it knows you don't find Steve Jobs, he finds you.
  24. Crop circles are Steve Jobs's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
  25. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Steve Jobs will beat his ass and take it.
  26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Steve Jobs.
  27. Steve Jobs became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  28. Steve Jobs can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  29. Guns don't kill people. Steve Jobs kills People.
  30. If you Google search "Steve Jobs getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  31. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Steve Jobs.
  32. If you spell Steve Jobs in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  33. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Steve Jobs.
  34. Steve Jobs can kill two stones with one bird.
  35. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Steve Jobs could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  36. In an act of great philanthropy, Steve Jobs made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  37. Steve Jobs can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  38. Steve Jobs can speak braille.
  39. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Steve Jobs needs toothpicks.
  40. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Steve Jobs was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  41. If you ask Steve Jobs what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  42. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Steve Jobs". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Steve Jobs.
  43. Steve Jobs and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  44. James Cameron wanted Steve Jobs to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  45. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Steve Jobs a giant meteor.
  46. Steve Jobs can tie his shoes with his feet.
  47. Love does hurts. But not as much as Steve Jobs.
  48. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Steve Jobs."
  49. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Steve Jobs jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  50. Steve Jobs counted to infinity - twice.
  51. A man once claimed Steve Jobs kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  52. Most people fear the Reaper. Steve Jobs considers him "a promising Rookie".
  53. Steve Jobs does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  54. On his birthday, Steve Jobs randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  55. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Steve Jobs.
  56. Little known medical fact: Steve Jobs invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  57. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Steve Jobs roundhouse kick.
  58. Steve Jobs died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  59. Steve Jobs doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  60. Steve Jobs invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  61. Not everyone that Steve Jobs is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  62. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Steve Jobs beats all 3 at the same time.
  63. Once a cobra bit Steve Jobs's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  64. People created the automobile to escape from Steve Jobs...Not to be outdone, Steve Jobs created the automobile accident.
  65. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Steve Jobs *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  66. Steve Jobs irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  67. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Steve Jobs fight.
  68. Q: How many Steve Jobs's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Steve Jobs prefers to kill in the dark.
  69. Steve Jobs is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  70. Steve Jobs is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  71. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Steve Jobs likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  72. Simply by pulling on both ends, Steve Jobs can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  73. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Steve Jobs bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  74. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Steve Jobs asks for a body bag.
  75. Steve Jobs does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Steve Jobs goes killing.
  76. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Steve Jobs glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  77. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Steve Jobs pajamas.
  78. Steve Jobs is the only one who can "try this at home."
  79. The Bible was originally titled "Steve Jobs and Friends"
  80. The crossing lights in Steve Jobs's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Steve Jobs punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  81. The easiest way to determine Steve Jobs's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Steve Jobs.
  82. Steve Jobs is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  83. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Steve Jobs is worth 1 billion words.
  84. The chief export of Steve Jobs is Pain.
  85. Steve Jobs was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  86. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Steve Jobs out. It failed miserably.
  87. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Steve Jobs.
  88. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Steve Jobs come off without a hitch.
  89. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Steve Jobs was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  90. Steve Jobs was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  91. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Steve Jobs while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  92. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Steve Jobs's first visit to Tokyo.
  93. The First rule of Steve Jobs is: you do not talk about Steve Jobs.
  94. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Steve Jobs played in second grade.
  95. The last man who made eye contact with Steve Jobs was Ray Charles.
  96. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Steve Jobs. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  97. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Steve Jobs's fist.
  98. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Steve Jobs … dies.
  99. The square root of Steve Jobs is pain. Do not try to square Steve Jobs, the result is death.
  100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Steve Jobs. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.