Top 100 Facts About Steve Jobs

  1. Steve Jobs sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  2. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Steve Jobs is on.
  3. Steve Jobs was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  4. Steve Jobs used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  5. Along with his black belt, Steve Jobs often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  6. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Steve Jobs"
  7. Steve Jobs's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Steve Jobs will not take crap from anyone.
  8. Steve Jobs's blood type is WD-40.
  9. Steve Jobs is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  10. Steve Jobs's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Steve Jobs.
  11. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Steve Jobs, 3. Cancer
  12. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Steve Jobs while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  13. Steve Jobs's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  14. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Steve Jobs."
  15. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Steve Jobs.
  16. For undercover police work, Steve Jobs pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  17. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Steve Jobs will beat his ass and take it.
  18. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Steve Jobs".
  19. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Steve Jobs and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  20. For Steve Jobs, every street is "one way". His way.
  21. Steve Jobs always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  22. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Steve Jobs.
  23. Guns don't kill people. Steve Jobs kills people.
  24. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Steve Jobs always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  25. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Steve Jobs's first visit to Tokyo.
  26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Steve Jobs.
  27. Steve Jobs became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  28. Steve Jobs can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  29. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Steve Jobs … dies.
  30. If you spell Steve Jobs in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  31. If Steve Jobs wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  32. If you work in an office with Steve Jobs, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  33. In an act of great philanthropy, Steve Jobs made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  34. Steve Jobs can kill two stones with one bird.
  35. In an emergency, Steve Jobs can be used as a floatation device.
  36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Steve Jobs could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  37. Steve Jobs can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  38. Steve Jobs can speak braille.
  39. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Steve Jobs a giant meteor.
  40. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Steve Jobs". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Steve Jobs.
  41. If you Google search "Steve Jobs getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  42. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Steve Jobs needs toothpicks.
  43. Steve Jobs and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  44. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Steve Jobs can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  45. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Steve Jobs smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  46. Steve Jobs can tie his shoes with his feet.
  47. Most people fear the Reaper. Steve Jobs considers him "a promising Rookie".
  48. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Steve Jobs jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  49. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Steve Jobs roundhouse kick.
  50. Steve Jobs counted to infinity - twice.
  51. A man once claimed Steve Jobs kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  52. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Steve Jobs."
  53. Steve Jobs does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  54. Once a cobra bit Steve Jobs's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  55. Not everyone that Steve Jobs is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  56. Love does hurts. But not as much as Steve Jobs.
  57. No matter what your mother always said, Steve Jobs can tune a fish.
  58. Steve Jobs died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  59. Steve Jobs doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  60. Steve Jobs invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  61. On a high school math test, Steve Jobs put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Steve Jobs solves all his problems with Violence.
  62. People created the automobile to escape from Steve Jobs...Not to be outdone, Steve Jobs created the automobile accident.
  63. Fifty years ago, Steve Jobs accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  64. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Steve Jobs
  65. Q: How many Steve Jobs's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Steve Jobs prefers to kill in the dark.
  66. Steve Jobs irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  67. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Steve Jobs's house one Christmas.
  68. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Steve Jobs fight.
  69. Steve Jobs is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  70. Steve Jobs is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  71. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Steve Jobs pajamas.
  72. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Steve Jobs asks for a body bag.
  73. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Steve Jobs beats all 3 at the same time.
  74. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Steve Jobs likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  75. Steve Jobs does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Steve Jobs goes killing.
  76. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Steve Jobs gets too hot.
  77. Staring at Steve Jobs for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  78. Steve Jobs is the only one who can "try this at home."
  79. The chief export of Steve Jobs is Pain.
  80. The easiest way to determine Steve Jobs's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Steve Jobs.
  81. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Steve Jobs was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  82. Steve Jobs is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  83. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Steve Jobs is worth 1 billion words.
  84. The crossing lights in Steve Jobs's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Steve Jobs punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  85. Steve Jobs was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  86. The last man who made eye contact with Steve Jobs was Ray Charles.
  87. The First rule of Steve Jobs is: you do not talk about Steve Jobs.
  88. The Bible was originally titled "Steve Jobs and Friends"
  89. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Steve Jobs punched himself in the face.
  90. Steve Jobs was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  91. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Steve Jobs to go around.
  92. Google won't search for Steve Jobs because it knows you don't find Steve Jobs, he finds you.
  93. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Steve Jobs has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  94. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Steve Jobs. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  95. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Steve Jobs 3. Cancer.
  96. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Steve Jobs.
  97. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Steve Jobs. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  98. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Steve Jobs.
  99. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Steve Jobs
  100. The square root of Steve Jobs is pain. Do not try to square Steve Jobs, the result is death.

This article was brought to you by 100factsabout.com and LoopyTube.com.
Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.