Top 100 Facts About Vali

1. Vali is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
2. Vali invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
3. Vali used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
4. Vali was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
5. Vali is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
6. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Vali is worth 1 billion words.
7. Vali is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
8. Vali was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
9. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Vali is on.
10. Along with his black belt, Vali often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
11. Vali was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
12. Vali was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
13. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Vali that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
14. Vali's blood type is WD-40.
15. Circles exist because Vali beat the crap out of some squares.
16. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Vali.
17. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Vali"
18. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Vali, 3. Cancer
19. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Vali while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
20. Google won't search for Vali because it knows you don't find Vali, he finds you.
21. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Vali … dies.
22. Crop circles are Vali's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
23. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Vali.
24. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Vali and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
25. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Vali always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
26. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Vali."
27. A man once claimed Vali kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
28. If you Google search "Vali getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
29. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Vali's first visit to Tokyo.
30. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Vali".
31. Vali became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
32. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Vali.
33. If you ask Vali what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
34. Guns don't kill people. Vali kills People.
35. In an act of great philanthropy, Vali made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vali could use to kill you, including the room itself.
37. If Vali wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
38. Vali and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
39. If you work in an office with Vali, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
40. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Vali turned that wine into beer.
41. Vali can kill two stones with one bird.
42. Vali can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
43. In an emergency, Vali can be used as a floatation device.
44. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Vali was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
45. Vali can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
46. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Vali". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Vali.
47. James Cameron wanted Vali to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
48. Most people fear the Reaper. Vali considers him "a promising Rookie".
49. Vali can speak braille.
50. Vali can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
51. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Vali can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
52. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Vali.
53. On a high school math test, Vali put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Vali solves all his problems with Violence.
54. Little known medical fact: Vali invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
55. Once a cobra bit Vali's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
56. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Vali.
57. Love does hurts. But not as much as Vali.
58. Vali can tie his shoes with his feet.
59. Vali always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
60. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Vali beats all 3 at the same time.
61. No matter what your mother always said, Vali can tune a fish.
62. Vali counted to infinity - twice.
63. Vali doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
64. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Vali *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
65. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Vali bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
66. Not everyone that Vali is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
67. Q: How many Vali's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Vali prefers to kill in the dark.
68. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Vali fight.
69. Only Vali can prevent forest fires.
70. Vali does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Vali goes killing.
71. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Vali
72. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Vali with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Vali cannot be in two places at the same time.
73. Vali is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
74. Vali is the only one who can "try this at home."
75. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Vali's house one Christmas.
76. Simply by pulling on both ends, Vali can stretch diamonds back into coal.
77. Vali irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
78. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Vali asks for a body bag.
79. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Vali glare will liquefy your kidneys.
80. The chief export of Vali is Pain.
81. Vali sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
82. Vali has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
83. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Vali gets too hot.
84. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Vali.
85. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Vali has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
86. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Vali come off without a hitch.
87. The last man who made eye contact with Vali was Ray Charles.
88. Vali died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
89. The Bible was originally titled "Vali and Friends"
90. Vali's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Vali.
91. Vali does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
92. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Vali played in second grade.
93. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vali punched himself in the face.
94. Vali's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Vali will not take crap from anyone.
95. For undercover police work, Vali pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
96. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Vali's fist.
97. The only time Vali was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
98. The First rule of Vali is: you do not talk about Vali.
99. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Vali. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
100. The square root of Vali is pain. Do not try to square Vali, the result is death.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.