Top 100 Facts About Smartest Guy

1. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Smartest Guy, 3. Cancer
2. Smartest Guy is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
3. Smartest Guy was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
4. Smartest Guy was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
5. A man once claimed Smartest Guy kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
6. Along with his black belt, Smartest Guy often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
7. Smartest Guy is the only one who can "try this at home."
8. Smartest Guy's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
9. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Smartest Guy is on.
10. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Smartest Guy to go around.
11. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Smartest Guy is worth 1 billion words.
12. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Smartest Guy"
13. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Smartest Guy and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
14. Circles exist because Smartest Guy beat the crap out of some squares.
15. Smartest Guy's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Smartest Guy.
16. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Smartest Guy".
17. Smartest Guy became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
18. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Smartest Guy."
19. Smartest Guy and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
20. For Smartest Guy, every street is "one way". His way.
21. For undercover police work, Smartest Guy pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
22. Google won't search for Smartest Guy because it knows you don't find Smartest Guy, he finds you.
23. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Smartest Guy.
24. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Smartest Guy.
25. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Smartest Guy.
26. If you Google search "Smartest Guy getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
27. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Smartest Guy … dies.
28. Smartest Guy can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
29. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Smartest Guy's first visit to Tokyo.
30. Smartest Guy can kill two stones with one bird.
31. If you work in an office with Smartest Guy, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
32. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Smartest Guy could use to kill you, including the room itself.
33. Smartest Guy can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
34. If you ask Smartest Guy what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
35. In an emergency, Smartest Guy can be used as a floatation device.
36. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Smartest Guy turned that wine into beer.
37. Smartest Guy always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
38. Smartest Guy counted to infinity - twice.
39. If you spell Smartest Guy in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
40. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Smartest Guy smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
41. Smartest Guy can tie his shoes with his feet.
42. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Smartest Guy is looking for it.
43. Smartest Guy can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
44. Smartest Guy died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
45. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Smartest Guy that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
46. James Cameron wanted Smartest Guy to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
47. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Smartest Guy needs toothpicks.
48. Smartest Guy does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Smartest Guy goes killing.
49. Smartest Guy irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
50. Smartest Guy does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
51. Smartest Guy invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
52. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Smartest Guy."
53. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Smartest Guy jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
54. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Smartest Guy.
55. Smartest Guy doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
56. Once a cobra bit Smartest Guy's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
57. Most people fear the Reaper. Smartest Guy considers him "a promising Rookie".
58. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Smartest Guy beats all 3 at the same time.
59. On a high school math test, Smartest Guy put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Smartest Guy solves all his problems with Violence.
60. Smartest Guy is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
61. No matter what your mother always said, Smartest Guy can tune a fish.
62. Smartest Guy is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
63. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Smartest Guy
64. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Smartest Guy fight.
65. Smartest Guy sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
66. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Smartest Guy bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
67. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Smartest Guy's house one Christmas.
68. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Smartest Guy with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Smartest Guy cannot be in two places at the same time.
69. Smartest Guy has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
70. Smartest Guy's blood type is WD-40.
71. People created the automobile to escape from Smartest Guy...Not to be outdone, Smartest Guy created the automobile accident.
72. Staring at Smartest Guy for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
73. Smartest Guy was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
74. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Smartest Guy didn't kill you in your sleep.
75. Smartest Guy is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
76. Smartest Guy's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Smartest Guy will not take crap from anyone.
77. Smartest Guy can speak braille.
78. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Smartest Guy glare will liquefy your kidneys.
79. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Smartest Guy likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
80. Crop circles are Smartest Guy's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
81. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Smartest Guy.
82. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Smartest Guy while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
83. Guns don't kill people. Smartest Guy kills people.
84. The crossing lights in Smartest Guy's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Smartest Guy punching or kicking a pedestrian.
85. The easiest way to determine Smartest Guy's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Smartest Guy.
86. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Smartest Guy.
87. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Smartest Guy always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
88. The last man who made eye contact with Smartest Guy was Ray Charles.
89. The chief export of Smartest Guy is Pain.
90. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Smartest Guy played in second grade.
91. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Smartest Guy has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
92. If Smartest Guy wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
93. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Smartest Guy punched himself in the face.
94. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Smartest Guy would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
95. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Smartest Guy.
96. The square root of Smartest Guy is pain. Do not try to square Smartest Guy, the result is death.
97. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Smartest Guy.
98. The only time Smartest Guy was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
99. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Smartest Guy
100. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Smartest Guy's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.