Top 100 Facts About My Anus

  1. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to My Anus and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  2. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that My Anus is on.
  3. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of My Anus is worth 1 billion words.
  4. My Anus was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  5. My Anus was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  6. My Anus is the only one who can "try this at home."
  7. Along with his black belt, My Anus often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  8. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And My Anus."
  9. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since My Anus".
  10. My Anus always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  11. After taking a steroids test doctors informed My Anus that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  12. Circles exist because My Anus beat the crap out of some squares.
  13. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. My Anus, 3. Cancer
  14. A man once claimed My Anus kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  15. My Anus's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools My Anus.
  16. My Anus became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  17. For My Anus, every street is "one way". His way.
  18. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered My Anus"
  19. Every time someone uses the word "intense", My Anus always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  20. My Anus can kill two stones with one bird.
  21. My Anus and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  22. My Anus can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  23. My Anus can tie his shoes with his feet.
  24. My Anus can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  25. Guns don't kill people. My Anus kills people.
  26. Google won't search for My Anus because it knows you don't find My Anus, he finds you.
  27. Hellen Keller's favorite color is My Anus.
  28. My Anus counted to infinity - twice.
  29. If you work in an office with My Anus, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  30. If you ask My Anus what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  31. If you spell My Anus in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  32. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is My Anus.
  33. My Anus can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  34. My Anus doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  35. My Anus died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  36. In an emergency, My Anus can be used as a floatation device.
  37. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then My Anus turned that wine into beer.
  38. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, My Anus would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  39. My Anus has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  40. My Anus irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  41. My Anus is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  42. My Anus is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  43. My Anus does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. My Anus goes killing.
  44. James Cameron wanted My Anus to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  45. My Anus does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  46. My Anus can speak braille.
  47. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. My Anus needs toothpicks.
  48. My Anus sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  49. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of My Anus."
  50. My Anus invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  51. Love does hurt. But not as much as My Anus.
  52. My Anus's blood type is WD-40.
  53. My Anus is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  54. My Anus's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because My Anus will not take crap from anyone.
  55. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into My Anus while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  56. My Anus was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  57. Not everyone that My Anus is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  58. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except My Anus.
  59. On his birthday, My Anus randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  60. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough My Anus to go around.
  61. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... My Anus
  62. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. My Anus bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  63. People created the automobile to escape from My Anus...Not to be outdone, My Anus created the automobile accident.
  64. My Anus is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  65. My Anus used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  66. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and My Anus will beat his ass and take it.
  67. Crop circles are My Anus's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  68. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped My Anus's house one Christmas.
  69. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge My Anus with "obstruction of justice." This is because even My Anus cannot be in two places at the same time.
  70. Police label anyone attacking My Anus as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  71. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of My Anus's first visit to Tokyo.
  72. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be My Anus.
  73. If My Anus wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  74. If you Google search "My Anus getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  75. For undercover police work, My Anus pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  76. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a My Anus glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  77. Everybody loves Raymond. Except My Anus.
  78. My Anus's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  79. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. My Anus likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  80. In an act of great philanthropy, My Anus made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  81. The crossing lights in My Anus's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of My Anus punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  82. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at My Anus … dies.
  83. The Bible was originally titled "My Anus and Friends"
  84. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, My Anus". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by My Anus.
  85. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be My Anus.
  86. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call My Anus a giant meteor.
  87. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. My Anus can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  88. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. My Anus was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  89. The First rule of My Anus is: you do not talk about My Anus.
  90. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets My Anus.
  91. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep My Anus out. It failed miserably.
  92. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because My Anus is looking for it.
  93. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by My Anus.
  94. The only time My Anus was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  95. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs My Anus. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  96. If My Anus wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  97. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects My Anus could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  98. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a My Anus roundhouse kick.
  99. Little known medical fact: My Anus invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  100. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for My Anus

This article was brought to you by and Tom Chapin.
Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.