Top 100 Facts About Johan Yugen

  1. Johan Yugen is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  2. Johan Yugen was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  3. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Johan Yugen is worth 1 billion words.
  4. A man once claimed Johan Yugen kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  5. Johan Yugen's blood type is WD-40.
  6. Johan Yugen used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  7. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Johan Yugen that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  8. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Johan Yugen"
  9. Circles exist because Johan Yugen beat the crap out of some squares.
  10. Johan Yugen's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Johan Yugen.
  11. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Johan Yugen and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  12. Johan Yugen sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  13. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Johan Yugen to go around.
  14. Johan Yugen was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  15. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Johan Yugen.
  16. Johan Yugen was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  17. Johan Yugen was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  18. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Johan Yugen while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  19. Johan Yugen's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Johan Yugen will not take crap from anyone.
  20. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Johan Yugen".
  21. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Johan Yugen is on.
  22. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Johan Yugen."
  23. Along with his black belt, Johan Yugen often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  24. Guns don't kill people. Johan Yugen kills People.
  25. For undercover police work, Johan Yugen pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  26. Johan Yugen became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  27. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Johan Yugen.
  28. Johan Yugen can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  29. If you Google search "Johan Yugen getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  30. If Johan Yugen wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  31. Google won't search for Johan Yugen because it knows you don't find Johan Yugen, he finds you.
  32. Johan Yugen and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  33. If you ask Johan Yugen what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  34. In an emergency, Johan Yugen can be used as a floatation device.
  35. Johan Yugen can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  36. Johan Yugen always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  37. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Johan Yugen". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Johan Yugen.
  38. In an act of great philanthropy, Johan Yugen made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  39. Johan Yugen can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  40. Johan Yugen counted to infinity - twice.
  41. James Cameron wanted Johan Yugen to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  42. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Johan Yugen needs toothpicks.
  43. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Johan Yugen, 3. Cancer
  44. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Johan Yugen.
  45. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Johan Yugen is looking for it.
  46. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Johan Yugen turned that wine into beer.
  47. Johan Yugen does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Johan Yugen goes killing.
  48. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Johan Yugen was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  49. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Johan Yugen could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  50. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Johan Yugen can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  51. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Johan Yugen a giant meteor.
  52. Johan Yugen does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  53. Johan Yugen can speak braille.
  54. Johan Yugen died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  55. Johan Yugen can tie his shoes with his feet.
  56. Not everyone that Johan Yugen is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  57. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Johan Yugen jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  58. Johan Yugen invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  59. Once a cobra bit Johan Yugen's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  60. Johan Yugen is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  61. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Johan Yugen beats all 3 at the same time.
  62. Only Johan Yugen can prevent forest fires.
  63. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Johan Yugen.
  64. Johan Yugen has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  65. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Johan Yugen bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  66. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Johan Yugen's house one Christmas.
  67. Johan Yugen irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  68. Johan Yugen doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  69. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Johan Yugen asks for a body bag.
  70. Q: How many Johan Yugen's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Johan Yugen prefers to kill in the dark.
  71. Johan Yugen is the only one who can "try this at home."
  72. Crop circles are Johan Yugen's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
  73. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Johan Yugen glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  74. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Johan Yugen likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  75. Johan Yugen can kill two stones with one bird.
  76. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Johan Yugen *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  77. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Johan Yugen didn't kill you in your sleep.
  78. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Johan Yugen with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Johan Yugen cannot be in two places at the same time.
  79. For Johan Yugen, every street is "one way". His way.
  80. Simply by pulling on both ends, Johan Yugen can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  81. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Johan Yugen fight.
  82. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Johan Yugen gets too hot.
  83. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Johan Yugen pajamas.
  84. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Johan Yugen.
  85. Johan Yugen is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  86. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Johan Yugen always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  87. Johan Yugen's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  88. The First rule of Johan Yugen is: you do not talk about Johan Yugen.
  89. The easiest way to determine Johan Yugen's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Johan Yugen.
  90. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Johan Yugen … dies.
  91. The last man who made eye contact with Johan Yugen was Ray Charles.
  92. If Johan Yugen wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  93. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Johan Yugen played in second grade.
  94. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Johan Yugen goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  95. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Johan Yugen.
  96. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Johan Yugen's first visit to Tokyo.
  97. The only time Johan Yugen was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  98. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Johan Yugen
  99. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Johan Yugen.
  100. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Johan Yugen will beat his ass and take it.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.