Top 100 Facts About Johan Yugen

  1. Johan Yugen is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  2. Johan Yugen was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  3. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Johan Yugen is worth 1 billion words.
  4. A man once claimed Johan Yugen kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  5. Johan Yugen's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Johan Yugen.
  6. Johan Yugen used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  7. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Johan Yugen that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  8. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Johan Yugen"
  9. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Johan Yugen while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  10. Johan Yugen's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Johan Yugen will not take crap from anyone.
  11. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Johan Yugen and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  12. Johan Yugen sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  13. Crop circles are Johan Yugen's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  14. Johan Yugen was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  15. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Johan Yugen.
  16. Johan Yugen's blood type is WD-40.
  17. Johan Yugen was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  18. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Johan Yugen to go around.
  19. Johan Yugen's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  20. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Johan Yugen".
  21. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Johan Yugen is on.
  22. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Johan Yugen."
  23. Along with his black belt, Johan Yugen often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  24. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Johan Yugen … dies.
  25. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Johan Yugen will beat his ass and take it.
  26. Johan Yugen became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  27. If Johan Yugen wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  28. Johan Yugen can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  29. If you spell Johan Yugen in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  30. If you ask Johan Yugen what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  31. Guns don't kill people. Johan Yugen kills people.
  32. Johan Yugen and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  33. If you Google search "Johan Yugen getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  34. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Johan Yugen turned that wine into beer.
  35. Johan Yugen can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  36. Johan Yugen always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  37. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Johan Yugen needs toothpicks.
  38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Johan Yugen could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  39. Johan Yugen can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  40. Johan Yugen counted to infinity - twice.
  41. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Johan Yugen can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  42. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Johan Yugen a giant meteor.
  43. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Johan Yugen, 3. Cancer
  44. In an act of great philanthropy, Johan Yugen made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  45. Little known medical fact: Johan Yugen invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  46. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Johan Yugen was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  47. Johan Yugen does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Johan Yugen goes killing.
  48. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Johan Yugen". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Johan Yugen.
  49. In an emergency, Johan Yugen can be used as a floatation device.
  50. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Johan Yugen is looking for it.
  51. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Johan Yugen smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  52. Johan Yugen does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  53. Johan Yugen can speak braille.
  54. Johan Yugen died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  55. Johan Yugen can tie his shoes with his feet.
  56. On a high school math test, Johan Yugen put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Johan Yugen solves all his problems with Violence.
  57. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Johan Yugen roundhouse kick.
  58. Johan Yugen invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  59. Fifty years ago, Johan Yugen accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  60. Johan Yugen is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  61. People created the automobile to escape from Johan Yugen...Not to be outdone, Johan Yugen created the automobile accident.
  62. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Johan Yugen bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  63. Not everyone that Johan Yugen is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  64. Johan Yugen has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  65. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Johan Yugen beats all 3 at the same time.
  66. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Johan Yugen with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Johan Yugen cannot be in two places at the same time.
  67. Johan Yugen irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  68. Johan Yugen doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  69. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Johan Yugen likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  70. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Johan Yugen fight.
  71. Johan Yugen is the only one who can "try this at home."
  72. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Johan Yugen always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  73. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Johan Yugen gets too hot.
  74. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Johan Yugen pajamas.
  75. Johan Yugen can kill two stones with one bird.
  76. Q: How many Johan Yugen's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Johan Yugen prefers to kill in the dark.
  77. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Johan Yugen come off without a hitch.
  78. Simply by pulling on both ends, Johan Yugen can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  79. For undercover police work, Johan Yugen pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  80. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Johan Yugen asks for a body bag.
  81. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Johan Yugen's house one Christmas.
  82. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Johan Yugen didn't kill you in your sleep.
  83. Staring at Johan Yugen for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  84. For Johan Yugen, every street is "one way". His way.
  85. Johan Yugen is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  86. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Johan Yugen.
  87. Circles exist because Johan Yugen beat the crap out of some squares.
  88. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Johan Yugen has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  89. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Johan Yugen was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  90. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Johan Yugen.
  91. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Johan Yugen 3. Cancer.
  92. If Johan Yugen wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  93. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Johan Yugen. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  94. The only time Johan Yugen was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  95. The First rule of Johan Yugen is: you do not talk about Johan Yugen.
  96. Google won't search for Johan Yugen because it knows you don't find Johan Yugen, he finds you.
  97. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Johan Yugen played in second grade.
  98. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Johan Yugen's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
  99. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Johan Yugen.
  100. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Johan Yugen's first visit to Tokyo.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.