Top 100 Facts About Jaune Tom

1. Jaune Tom used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
2. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Jaune Tom and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
3. Jaune Tom was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
4. Jaune Tom was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
5. Jaune Tom is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
6. Jaune Tom is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
7. Jaune Tom's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Jaune Tom will not take crap from anyone.
8. Jaune Tom is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
9. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Jaune Tom is on.
10. Jaune Tom sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
11. Jaune Tom is the only one who can "try this at home."
12. A man once claimed Jaune Tom kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
13. Jaune Tom's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jaune Tom.
14. Crop circles are Jaune Tom's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
15. Jaune Tom was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
16. Jaune Tom's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
17. Jaune Tom's blood type is WD-40.
18. Along with his black belt, Jaune Tom often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
19. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Jaune Tom always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
20. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Jaune Tom's first visit to Tokyo.
21. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Jaune Tom."
22. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Jaune Tom that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
23. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Jaune Tom.
24. If Jaune Tom wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
25. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Jaune Tom.
26. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Jaune Tom".
27. Jaune Tom always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
28. If you spell Jaune Tom in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
29. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Jaune Tom"
30. If Jaune Tom wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
31. Google won't search for Jaune Tom because it knows you don't find Jaune Tom, he finds you.
32. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Jaune Tom will beat his ass and take it.
33. In an act of great philanthropy, Jaune Tom made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
34. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Jaune Tom is worth 1 billion words.
35. In an emergency, Jaune Tom can be used as a floatation device.
36. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Jaune Tom turned that wine into beer.
37. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Jaune Tom.
38. If you Google search "Jaune Tom getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
39. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Jaune Tom a giant meteor.
40. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Jaune Tom would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
41. Jaune Tom can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
42. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Jaune Tom.
43. If you work in an office with Jaune Tom, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
44. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Jaune Tom, 3. Cancer
45. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Jaune Tom needs toothpicks.
46. Little known medical fact: Jaune Tom invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
47. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Jaune Tom was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
48. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Jaune Tom smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
49. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Jaune Tom". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Jaune Tom.
50. Jaune Tom can kill two stones with one bird.
51. Love does hurts. But not as much as Jaune Tom.
52. No matter what your mother always said, Jaune Tom can tune a fish.
53. Jaune Tom can speak braille.
54. Jaune Tom can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
55. Once a cobra bit Jaune Tom's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
56. Fifty years ago, Jaune Tom accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
57. Jaune Tom counted to infinity - twice.
58. Jaune Tom can tie his shoes with his feet.
59. Jaune Tom died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
60. People created the automobile to escape from Jaune Tom...Not to be outdone, Jaune Tom created the automobile accident.
61. Jaune Tom can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
62. Only Jaune Tom can prevent forest fires.
63. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Jaune Tom.
64. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Jaune Tom roundhouse kick.
65. Q: How many Jaune Tom's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Jaune Tom prefers to kill in the dark.
66. Jaune Tom and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
67. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Jaune Tom's house one Christmas.
68. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Jaune Tom with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Jaune Tom cannot be in two places at the same time.
69. On his birthday, Jaune Tom randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
70. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Jaune Tom beats all 3 at the same time.
71. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Jaune Tom pajamas.
72. Police label anyone attacking Jaune Tom as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
73. Jaune Tom has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
74. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Jaune Tom *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
75. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Jaune Tom
76. Jaune Tom became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
77. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Jaune Tom likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
78. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Jaune Tom come off without a hitch.
79. Simply by pulling on both ends, Jaune Tom can stretch diamonds back into coal.
80. Staring at Jaune Tom for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
81. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Jaune Tom asks for a body bag.
82. Jaune Tom invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
83. The Bible was originally titled "Jaune Tom and Friends"
84. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Jaune Tom punched himself in the face.
85. Jaune Tom is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
86. Jaune Tom doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
87. The last man who made eye contact with Jaune Tom was Ray Charles.
88. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Jaune Tom 3. Cancer.
89. Circles exist because Jaune Tom beat the crap out of some squares.
90. Jaune Tom was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
91. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Jaune Tom while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
92. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Jaune Tom. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
93. Jaune Tom irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
94. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Jaune Tom goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
95. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Jaune Tom.
96. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Jaune Tom was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
97. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Jaune Tom. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
98. Jaune Tom does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
99. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Jaune Tom
100. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Jaune Tom's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.