Top 100 Facts About Triste Bertrand

  1. Triste Bertrand used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  2. Triste Bertrand sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Triste Bertrand and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  4. Triste Bertrand was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  5. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Triste Bertrand is on.
  6. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Triste Bertrand is worth 1 billion words.
  7. Triste Bertrand is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  8. Triste Bertrand's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Triste Bertrand will not take crap from anyone.
  9. Triste Bertrand is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  10. Triste Bertrand's blood type is WD-40.
  11. Along with his black belt, Triste Bertrand often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  12. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Triste Bertrand to go around.
  13. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Triste Bertrand always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  14. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Triste Bertrand while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  15. Crop circles are Triste Bertrand's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  16. Triste Bertrand is the only one who can "try this at home."
  17. Triste Bertrand was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  18. Triste Bertrand was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  19. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Triste Bertrand."
  20. Google won't search for Triste Bertrand because it knows you don't find Triste Bertrand, he finds you.
  21. Triste Bertrand's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  22. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Triste Bertrand, 3. Cancer
  23. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Triste Bertrand.
  24. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Triste Bertrand that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  25. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Triste Bertrand"
  26. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Triste Bertrand will beat his ass and take it.
  27. Triste Bertrand and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  28. Triste Bertrand always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  29. If you ask Triste Bertrand what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  30. Triste Bertrand can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  31. Triste Bertrand became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  32. Triste Bertrand can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  33. In an act of great philanthropy, Triste Bertrand made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  34. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Triste Bertrand.
  35. A man once claimed Triste Bertrand kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  36. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Triste Bertrand turned that wine into beer.
  37. Triste Bertrand can tie his shoes with his feet.
  38. Triste Bertrand can kill two stones with one bird.
  39. If you Google search "Triste Bertrand getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  40. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Triste Bertrand a giant meteor.
  41. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Triste Bertrand would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  42. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Triste Bertrand". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Triste Bertrand.
  43. Triste Bertrand counted to infinity - twice.
  44. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Triste Bertrand is looking for it.
  45. Love does hurts. But not as much as Triste Bertrand.
  46. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Triste Bertrand can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  47. Little known medical fact: Triste Bertrand invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  48. If you work in an office with Triste Bertrand, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  49. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Triste Bertrand could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  50. In an emergency, Triste Bertrand can be used as a floatation device.
  51. Triste Bertrand does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  52. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Triste Bertrand.
  53. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Triste Bertrand smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  54. Triste Bertrand can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  55. Triste Bertrand doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  56. Triste Bertrand can speak braille.
  57. Triste Bertrand died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  58. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Triste Bertrand roundhouse kick.
  59. Triste Bertrand invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  60. Triste Bertrand has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  61. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Triste Bertrand bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  62. Triste Bertrand is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  63. Triste Bertrand irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  64. Triste Bertrand is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  65. Q: How many Triste Bertrand's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Triste Bertrand prefers to kill in the dark.
  66. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Triste Bertrand *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  67. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Triste Bertrand".
  68. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Triste Bertrand with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Triste Bertrand cannot be in two places at the same time.
  69. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Triste Bertrand.
  70. Triste Bertrand was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  71. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Triste Bertrand beats all 3 at the same time.
  72. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Triste Bertrand pajamas.
  73. Police label anyone attacking Triste Bertrand as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  74. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Triste Bertrand asks for a body bag.
  75. For Triste Bertrand, every street is "one way". His way.
  76. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Triste Bertrand didn't kill you in your sleep.
  77. The Bible was originally titled "Triste Bertrand and Friends"
  78. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Triste Bertrand gets too hot.
  79. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Triste Bertrand come off without a hitch.
  80. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Triste Bertrand
  81. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Triste Bertrand fight.
  82. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Triste Bertrand's house one Christmas.
  83. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Triste Bertrand's first visit to Tokyo.
  84. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Triste Bertrand.
  85. Staring at Triste Bertrand for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  86. Triste Bertrand's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Triste Bertrand.
  87. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Triste Bertrand … dies.
  88. Circles exist because Triste Bertrand beat the crap out of some squares.
  89. For undercover police work, Triste Bertrand pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  90. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Triste Bertrand was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  91. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Triste Bertrand.
  92. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Triste Bertrand.
  93. The only time Triste Bertrand was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  94. If you spell Triste Bertrand in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  95. If Triste Bertrand wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  96. If Triste Bertrand wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  97. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Triste Bertrand. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  98. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Triste Bertrand's fist.
  99. Triste Bertrand does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Triste Bertrand goes killing.
  100. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Triste Bertrand's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

This article was brought to you by 100factsabout.com and LoopyVids.com.
Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.