Top 100 Facts About Triste Bertrand

  1. Triste Bertrand used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  2. Triste Bertrand sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Triste Bertrand and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  4. Triste Bertrand was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  5. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Triste Bertrand is on.
  6. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Triste Bertrand is worth 1 billion words.
  7. Triste Bertrand is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  8. Triste Bertrand's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  9. Triste Bertrand is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  10. Triste Bertrand's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Triste Bertrand.
  11. Along with his black belt, Triste Bertrand often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  12. Crop circles are Triste Bertrand's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  13. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Triste Bertrand.
  14. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Triste Bertrand to go around.
  15. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Triste Bertrand always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  16. Triste Bertrand is the only one who can "try this at home."
  17. Triste Bertrand was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  18. Triste Bertrand was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  19. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Triste Bertrand."
  20. Guns don't kill people. Triste Bertrand kills people.
  21. Circles exist because Triste Bertrand beat the crap out of some squares.
  22. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Triste Bertrand, 3. Cancer
  23. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Triste Bertrand.
  24. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Triste Bertrand that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  25. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Triste Bertrand"
  26. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Triste Bertrand's first visit to Tokyo.
  27. Triste Bertrand and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  28. Triste Bertrand always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  29. If you Google search "Triste Bertrand getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  30. Triste Bertrand can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  31. Triste Bertrand became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  32. Triste Bertrand can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  33. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Triste Bertrand could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  34. In an act of great philanthropy, Triste Bertrand made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  35. A man once claimed Triste Bertrand kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  36. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Triste Bertrand was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  37. Triste Bertrand can tie his shoes with his feet.
  38. Triste Bertrand can kill two stones with one bird.
  39. If you spell Triste Bertrand in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  40. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Triste Bertrand smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  41. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Triste Bertrand.
  42. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Triste Bertrand needs toothpicks.
  43. Triste Bertrand counted to infinity - twice.
  44. Little known medical fact: Triste Bertrand invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  45. Most people fear the Reaper. Triste Bertrand considers him "a promising Rookie".
  46. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Triste Bertrand is looking for it.
  47. Love does hurts. But not as much as Triste Bertrand.
  48. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Triste Bertrand would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  49. In an emergency, Triste Bertrand can be used as a floatation device.
  50. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Triste Bertrand turned that wine into beer.
  51. Triste Bertrand does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  52. Not everyone that Triste Bertrand is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  53. James Cameron wanted Triste Bertrand to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  54. Triste Bertrand can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  55. Triste Bertrand doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  56. Triste Bertrand can speak braille.
  57. Triste Bertrand died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  58. No matter what your mother always said, Triste Bertrand can tune a fish.
  59. Triste Bertrand invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  60. Triste Bertrand has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  61. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Triste Bertrand beats all 3 at the same time.
  62. Triste Bertrand is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  63. Triste Bertrand irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  64. Triste Bertrand is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  65. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Triste Bertrand fight.
  66. Q: How many Triste Bertrand's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Triste Bertrand prefers to kill in the dark.
  67. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Triste Bertrand".
  68. Simply by pulling on both ends, Triste Bertrand can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  69. For Triste Bertrand, every street is "one way". His way.
  70. Triste Bertrand's blood type is WD-40.
  71. People created the automobile to escape from Triste Bertrand...Not to be outdone, Triste Bertrand created the automobile accident.
  72. Staring at Triste Bertrand for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  73. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Triste Bertrand *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  74. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Triste Bertrand likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  75. For undercover police work, Triste Bertrand pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  76. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Triste Bertrand come off without a hitch.
  77. The chief export of Triste Bertrand is Pain.
  78. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Triste Bertrand didn't kill you in your sleep.
  79. The Bible was originally titled "Triste Bertrand and Friends"
  80. Police label anyone attacking Triste Bertrand as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  81. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Triste Bertrand's house one Christmas.
  82. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Triste Bertrand with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Triste Bertrand cannot be in two places at the same time.
  83. Google won't search for Triste Bertrand because it knows you don't find Triste Bertrand, he finds you.
  84. The First rule of Triste Bertrand is: you do not talk about Triste Bertrand.
  85. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Triste Bertrand glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  86. Triste Bertrand's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Triste Bertrand will not take crap from anyone.
  87. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Triste Bertrand.
  88. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Triste Bertrand while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  89. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Triste Bertrand will beat his ass and take it.
  90. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Triste Bertrand punched himself in the face.
  91. If Triste Bertrand wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  92. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Triste Bertrand.
  93. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Triste Bertrand played in second grade.
  94. If you work in an office with Triste Bertrand, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  95. If Triste Bertrand wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  96. If you ask Triste Bertrand what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  97. The square root of Triste Bertrand is pain. Do not try to square Triste Bertrand, the result is death.
  98. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Triste Bertrand. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  99. Triste Bertrand does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Triste Bertrand goes killing.
  100. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Triste Bertrand killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.