Top 100 Facts About Steve Harvey

1. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Steve Harvey, 3. Cancer
2. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Steve Harvey that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
3. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Steve Harvey"
4. Steve Harvey used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
5. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Steve Harvey is on.
6. Along with his black belt, Steve Harvey often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
7. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Steve Harvey is worth 1 billion words.
8. Steve Harvey's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Steve Harvey.
9. Steve Harvey is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
10. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Steve Harvey while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
11. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Steve Harvey.
12. Circles exist because Steve Harvey beat the crap out of some squares.
13. Steve Harvey was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
14. Crop circles are Steve Harvey's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
15. A man once claimed Steve Harvey kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
16. Steve Harvey's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
17. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Steve Harvey always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
18. Steve Harvey became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
19. Steve Harvey was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
20. For undercover police work, Steve Harvey pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
21. Steve Harvey's blood type is WD-40.
22. Steve Harvey and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
23. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Steve Harvey and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
24. Steve Harvey always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
25. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Steve Harvey.
26. Steve Harvey can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
27. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Steve Harvey … dies.
28. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Steve Harvey will beat his ass and take it.
29. Steve Harvey can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
30. If you ask Steve Harvey what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
31. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Steve Harvey.
32. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Steve Harvey".
33. Steve Harvey can speak braille.
34. Steve Harvey can tie his shoes with his feet.
35. Steve Harvey does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
36. In an act of great philanthropy, Steve Harvey made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
37. Steve Harvey counted to infinity - twice.
38. Steve Harvey died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
39. Steve Harvey can kill two stones with one bird.
40. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Steve Harvey needs toothpicks.
41. If you work in an office with Steve Harvey, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
42. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Steve Harvey can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
43. Steve Harvey has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
44. James Cameron wanted Steve Harvey to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
45. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Steve Harvey turned that wine into beer.
46. Little known medical fact: Steve Harvey invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
47. Steve Harvey can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
48. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Steve Harvey smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
49. Love does hurts. But not as much as Steve Harvey.
50. Steve Harvey is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
51. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Steve Harvey was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
52. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Steve Harvey jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
53. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Steve Harvey". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Steve Harvey.
54. Steve Harvey irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
55. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Steve Harvey."
56. Steve Harvey invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
57. Once a cobra bit Steve Harvey's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
58. Steve Harvey sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
59. On a high school math test, Steve Harvey put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Steve Harvey solves all his problems with Violence.
60. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Steve Harvey roundhouse kick.
61. Steve Harvey is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
62. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Steve Harvey bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
63. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Steve Harvey *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
64. Steve Harvey doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
65. Steve Harvey was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
66. Steve Harvey was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
67. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Steve Harvey.
68. Q: How many Steve Harvey's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Steve Harvey prefers to kill in the dark.
69. Steve Harvey's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Steve Harvey will not take crap from anyone.
70. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Steve Harvey to go around.
71. Steve Harvey is the only one who can "try this at home."
72. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Steve Harvey likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
73. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Steve Harvey
74. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Steve Harvey gets too hot.
75. Google won't search for Steve Harvey because it knows you don't find Steve Harvey, he finds you.
76. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Steve Harvey glare will liquefy your kidneys.
77. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Steve Harvey with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Steve Harvey cannot be in two places at the same time.
78. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Steve Harvey come off without a hitch.
79. Steve Harvey is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
80. Staring at Steve Harvey for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
81. The Bible was originally titled "Steve Harvey and Friends"
82. If Steve Harvey wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
83. Simply by pulling on both ends, Steve Harvey can stretch diamonds back into coal.
84. The easiest way to determine Steve Harvey's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Steve Harvey.
85. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Steve Harvey asks for a body bag.
86. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Steve Harvey.
87. Steve Harvey does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Steve Harvey goes killing.
88. Guns don't kill people. Steve Harvey kills People.
89. The last man who made eye contact with Steve Harvey was Ray Charles.
90. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Steve Harvey would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
91. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Steve Harvey has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
92. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Steve Harvey was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
93. If Steve Harvey wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
94. The only time Steve Harvey was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
95. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Steve Harvey's fist.
96. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Steve Harvey's first visit to Tokyo.
97. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Steve Harvey could use to kill you, including the room itself.
98. In an emergency, Steve Harvey can be used as a floatation device.
99. Most people fear the Reaper. Steve Harvey considers him "a promising Rookie".
100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Steve Harvey. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.