Top 100 Facts About Sharon Padgett

  1. Sharon Padgett used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind her.
  2. Sharon Padgett was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  3. Sharon Padgett was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  4. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Sharon Padgett and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  5. Sharon Padgett is the only one who can "try this at home."
  6. Sharon Padgett is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  7. Sharon Padgett's blood type is WD-40.
  8. Sharon Padgett's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Sharon Padgett will not take crap from anyone.
  9. Along with her black belt, Sharon Padgett often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call her on it. Ever.
  10. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Sharon Padgett that she had tested positive. She laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  11. Sharon Padgett's family wraps her holiday presents in lead, so she can't see what's in them.
  12. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Sharon Padgett, 3. Cancer
  13. Sharon Padgett's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Sharon Padgett.
  14. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Sharon Padgett is on.
  15. Circles exist because Sharon Padgett beat the crap out of some squares.
  16. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Sharon Padgett while she was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  17. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Sharon Padgett".
  18. A man once claimed Sharon Padgett kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  19. Sharon Padgett always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  20. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Sharon Padgett"
  21. Sharon Padgett can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  22. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Sharon Padgett is worth 1 billion words.
  23. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Sharon Padgett … dies.
  24. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Sharon Padgett.
  25. For Sharon Padgett, every street is "one way". Her way.
  26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Sharon Padgett.
  27. Google won't search for Sharon Padgett because it knows you don't find Sharon Padgett, she finds you.
  28. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Sharon Padgett.
  29. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Sharon Padgett's first visit to Tokyo.
  30. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Sharon Padgett would ever fight herself, she'd win. Period.
  31. If you Google search "Sharon Padgett getting her ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  32. Sharon Padgett can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  33. In an act of great philanthropy, Sharon Padgett made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. She donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  34. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Sharon Padgett could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  35. In an emergency, Sharon Padgett can be used as a floatation device.
  36. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Sharon Padgett."
  37. If you spell Sharon Padgett in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  38. If Sharon Padgett wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  39. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Sharon Padgett". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Sharon Padgett.
  40. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Sharon Padgett a giant meteor.
  41. Sharon Padgett can tie her shoes with her feet.
  42. Sharon Padgett can predict the shuffle on her iPod.
  43. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Sharon Padgett smile, but only 2 to make her destroy an orphanage.
  44. Sharon Padgett can kill two stones with one bird.
  45. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Sharon Padgett needs toothpicks.
  46. Sharon Padgett can speak braille.
  47. James Cameron wanted Sharon Padgett to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  48. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Sharon Padgett can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell she wants.
  49. Sharon Padgett does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction
  50. Sharon Padgett and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  51. Sharon Padgett doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  52. Sharon Padgett counted to infinity - twice.
  53. Sharon Padgett irons her clothes while she's wearing them.
  54. Sharon Padgett became a vegetarian not because she loves animals, but because she hates plants.
  55. On a high school math test, Sharon Padgett put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Sharon Padgett solves all her problems with Violence.
  56. Once a cobra bit Sharon Padgett's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  57. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Sharon Padgett."
  58. Sharon Padgett does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Sharon Padgett goes killing.
  59. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Sharon Padgett.
  60. On her birthday, Sharon Padgett randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  61. No matter what your mother always said, Sharon Padgett can tune a fish.
  62. Police label anyone attacking Sharon Padgett as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  63. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Sharon Padgett beats all 3 at the same time.
  64. Sharon Padgett is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.
  65. Q: How many Sharon Padgett's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Sharon Padgett prefers to kill in the dark.
  66. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Sharon Padgett fight.
  67. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Sharon Padgett's house one Christmas.
  68. Sharon Padgett died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  69. People created the automobile to escape from Sharon Padgett...Not to be outdone, Sharon Padgett created the automobile accident.
  70. Fifty years ago, Sharon Padgett accidentally stubbed her toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  71. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Sharon Padgett asks for a body bag.
  72. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Sharon Padgett pajamas.
  73. Sharon Padgett was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  74. Sharon Padgett is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  75. Staring at Sharon Padgett for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  76. Sharon Padgett is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.
  77. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Sharon Padgett likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  78. Sharon Padgett sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with her eyes open, and she looks pissed off.
  79. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Sharon Padgett glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  80. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Sharon Padgett gets too hot.
  81. Crop circles are Sharon Padgett's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
  82. Sharon Padgett has beat the crap out of so many people over her brilliant life that most medical journals now classify her as a laxative.
  83. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Sharon Padgett.
  84. Sharon Padgett was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  85. Guns don't kill people. Sharon Padgett kills People.
  86. Sharon Padgett invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.
  87. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Sharon Padgett has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  88. The last man who made eye contact with Sharon Padgett was Ray Charles.
  89. The crossing lights in Sharon Padgett's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Sharon Padgett punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  90. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Sharon Padgett always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  91. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Sharon Padgett.
  92. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Sharon Padgett out. It failed miserably.
  93. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Sharon Padgett punched herself in the face.
  94. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Sharon Padgett in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  95. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Sharon Padgett played in second grade.
  96. If Sharon Padgett wants your opinion, she'll beat it into you.
  97. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Sharon Padgett. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  98. The square root of Sharon Padgett is pain. Do not try to square Sharon Padgett, the result is death.
  99. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Sharon Padgett
  100. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Sharon Padgett to go around.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.