Top 100 Facts About Sharon Padgett

1. Sharon Padgett used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
2. Sharon Padgett was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
3. Sharon Padgett was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
4. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Sharon Padgett and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
5. Sharon Padgett is the only one who can "try this at home."
6. Sharon Padgett is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
7. Sharon Padgett's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Sharon Padgett.
8. Sharon Padgett's family wraps her holiday presents in lead, so she can't see what's in them.
9. Along with her black belt, Sharon Padgett often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call her on it. Ever.
10. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Sharon Padgett that she had tested positive. She laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
11. Circles exist because Sharon Padgett beat the crap out of some squares.
12. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Sharon Padgett, 3. Cancer
13. Sharon Padgett's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Sharon Padgett will not take crap from anyone.
14. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Sharon Padgett is on.
15. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Sharon Padgett while she was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
16. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Sharon Padgett to go around.
17. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Sharon Padgett".
18. A man once claimed Sharon Padgett kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
19. Sharon Padgett always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
20. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Sharon Padgett"
21. Sharon Padgett can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
22. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Sharon Padgett is worth 1 billion words.
23. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Sharon Padgett.
24. If Sharon Padgett wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.
25. For undercover police work, Sharon Padgett pins her badge underneath her shirt, directly into her chest.
26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Sharon Padgett.
27. Guns don't kill people. Sharon Padgett kills people.
28. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Sharon Padgett.
29. Google won't search for Sharon Padgett because it knows you don't find Sharon Padgett, she finds you.
30. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Sharon Padgett.
31. If you spell Sharon Padgett in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
32. Sharon Padgett can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
33. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Sharon Padgett could use to kill you, including the room itself.
34. In an emergency, Sharon Padgett can be used as a floatation device.
35. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Sharon Padgett turned that wine into beer.
36. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Sharon Padgett."
37. If you work in an office with Sharon Padgett, don't ask her for her three-hole-punch.
38. If Sharon Padgett wants your opinion, she'll beat it into you.
39. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Sharon Padgett needs toothpicks.
40. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Sharon Padgett smile, but only 2 to make her destroy an orphanage.
41. Sharon Padgett can tie her shoes with her feet.
42. Sharon Padgett can predict the shuffle on her iPod.
43. James Cameron wanted Sharon Padgett to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
44. Sharon Padgett can kill two stones with one bird.
45. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Sharon Padgett a giant meteor.
46. Sharon Padgett can speak braille.
47. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Sharon Padgett can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell she wants.
48. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Sharon Padgett is looking for it.
49. Sharon Padgett does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction
50. Sharon Padgett and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
51. Sharon Padgett doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
52. Sharon Padgett counted to infinity - twice.
53. Sharon Padgett irons her clothes while she's wearing them.
54. Sharon Padgett became a vegetarian not because she loves animals, but because she hates plants.
55. On her birthday, Sharon Padgett randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
56. Fifty years ago, Sharon Padgett accidentally stubbed her toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
57. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Sharon Padgett jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
58. Sharon Padgett does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Sharon Padgett goes killing.
59. Not everyone that Sharon Padgett is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
60. Once a cobra bit Sharon Padgett's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
61. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Sharon Padgett.
62. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Sharon Padgett *carried* her the same distance, but in half the time.
63. People created the automobile to escape from Sharon Padgett...Not to be outdone, Sharon Padgett created the automobile accident.
64. Sharon Padgett is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.
65. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Sharon Padgett fight.
66. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Sharon Padgett's house one Christmas.
67. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Sharon Padgett with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Sharon Padgett cannot be in two places at the same time.
68. Sharon Padgett died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
69. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Sharon Padgett
70. Only Sharon Padgett can prevent forest fires.
71. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Sharon Padgett likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
72. Staring at Sharon Padgett for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
73. Sharon Padgett was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
74. Sharon Padgett is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
75. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Sharon Padgett glare will liquefy your kidneys.
76. Sharon Padgett is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.
77. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Sharon Padgett pajamas.
78. Sharon Padgett sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with her eyes open, and she looks pissed off.
79. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Sharon Padgett gets too hot.
80. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Sharon Padgett didn't kill you in your sleep.
81. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Sharon Padgett always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
82. Sharon Padgett has beat the crap out of so many people over her brilliant life that most medical journals now classify her as a laxative.
83. For Sharon Padgett, every street is "one way". Her way.
84. Sharon Padgett's blood type is WD-40.
85. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Sharon Padgett … dies.
86. Sharon Padgett invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.
87. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Sharon Padgett out. It failed miserably.
88. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Sharon Padgett 3. Cancer.
89. The easiest way to determine Sharon Padgett's age is to cut her in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Sharon Padgett.
90. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Sharon Padgett.
91. The First rule of Sharon Padgett is: you do not talk about Sharon Padgett.
92. The last man who made eye contact with Sharon Padgett was Ray Charles.
93. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Sharon Padgett.
94. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Sharon Padgett's fist.
95. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Sharon Padgett. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
96. If you ask Sharon Padgett what time it is, she always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" she roundhouse kicks you in the face.
97. The square root of Sharon Padgett is pain. Do not try to square Sharon Padgett, the result is death.
98. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Sharon Padgett
99. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Sharon Padgett's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
100. Crop circles are Sharon Padgett's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.