Top 100 Facts About Sarah Palin

  1. Sarah Palin invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.
  2. A man once claimed Sarah Palin kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  3. Sarah Palin is the only one who can "try this at home."
  4. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Sarah Palin and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  5. Sarah Palin is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.
  6. Sarah Palin was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  7. Sarah Palin was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  8. Sarah Palin's blood type is WD-40.
  9. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Sarah Palin"
  10. Sarah Palin's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Sarah Palin.
  11. Along with her black belt, Sarah Palin often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call her on it. Ever.
  12. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Sarah Palin that she had tested positive. She laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  13. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Sarah Palin to go around.
  14. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Sarah Palin while she was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  15. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Sarah Palin, 3. Cancer
  16. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Sarah Palin".
  17. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Sarah Palin is worth 1 billion words.
  18. Sarah Palin became a vegetarian not because she loves animals, but because she hates plants.
  19. For undercover police work, Sarah Palin pins her badge underneath her shirt, directly into her chest.
  20. Google won't search for Sarah Palin because it knows you don't find Sarah Palin, she finds you.
  21. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Sarah Palin.
  22. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Sarah Palin.
  23. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Sarah Palin."
  24. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Sarah Palin … dies.
  25. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Sarah Palin.
  26. Sarah Palin can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  27. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Sarah Palin is on.
  28. If you Google search "Sarah Palin getting her ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  29. Sarah Palin always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  30. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Sarah Palin.
  31. Guns don't kill people. Sarah Palin kills people.
  32. Sarah Palin and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  33. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Sarah Palin's first visit to Tokyo.
  34. Sarah Palin can kill two stones with one bird.
  35. If you work in an office with Sarah Palin, don't ask her for her three-hole-punch.
  36. Sarah Palin can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  37. If you spell Sarah Palin in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  38. In an emergency, Sarah Palin can be used as a floatation device.
  39. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Sarah Palin turned that wine into beer.
  40. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Sarah Palin". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Sarah Palin.
  41. Sarah Palin does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction
  42. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Sarah Palin needs toothpicks.
  43. Sarah Palin died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  44. Sarah Palin can tie her shoes with her feet.
  45. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Sarah Palin is looking for it.
  46. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Sarah Palin can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell she wants.
  47. Sarah Palin can speak braille.
  48. Sarah Palin doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  49. Sarah Palin can predict the shuffle on her iPod.
  50. Sarah Palin is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.
  51. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Sarah Palin jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  52. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Sarah Palin.
  53. On her birthday, Sarah Palin randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  54. Sarah Palin has beat the crap out of so many people over her brilliant life that most medical journals now classify her as a laxative.
  55. Sarah Palin does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Sarah Palin goes killing.
  56. On a high school math test, Sarah Palin put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Sarah Palin solves all her problems with Violence.
  57. Once a cobra bit Sarah Palin's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  58. Sarah Palin is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  59. Sarah Palin counted to infinity - twice.
  60. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Sarah Palin beats all 3 at the same time.
  61. Sarah Palin irons her clothes while she's wearing them.
  62. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Sarah Palin *carried* her the same distance, but in half the time.
  63. Not everyone that Sarah Palin is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  64. Sarah Palin is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  65. No matter what your mother always said, Sarah Palin can tune a fish.
  66. Sarah Palin used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  67. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Sarah Palin
  68. Sarah Palin sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with her eyes open, and she looks pissed off.
  69. People created the automobile to escape from Sarah Palin...Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin created the automobile accident.
  70. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Sarah Palin's house one Christmas.
  71. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Sarah Palin with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Sarah Palin cannot be in two places at the same time.
  72. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Sarah Palin asks for a body bag.
  73. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Sarah Palin always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  74. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Sarah Palin likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  75. Crop circles are Sarah Palin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  76. Sarah Palin's family wraps her holiday presents in lead, so she can't see what's in them.
  77. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Sarah Palin didn't kill you in your sleep.
  78. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Sarah Palin gets too hot.
  79. Sarah Palin's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Sarah Palin will not take crap from anyone.
  80. For Sarah Palin, every street is "one way". Her way.
  81. Sarah Palin was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  82. If you ask Sarah Palin what time it is, she always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" she roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  83. The easiest way to determine Sarah Palin's age is to cut her in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Sarah Palin.
  84. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Sarah Palin.
  85. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Sarah Palin out. It failed miserably.
  86. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Sarah Palin will beat his ass and take it.
  87. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Sarah Palin.
  88. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Sarah Palin has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  89. The last man who made eye contact with Sarah Palin was Ray Charles.
  90. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Sarah Palin would ever fight herself, she'd win. Period.
  91. Circles exist because Sarah Palin beat the crap out of some squares.
  92. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Sarah Palin played in second grade.
  93. If Sarah Palin wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  94. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Sarah Palin's fist.
  95. The First rule of Sarah Palin is: you do not talk about Sarah Palin.
  96. If Sarah Palin wants your opinion, she'll beat it into you.
  97. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Sarah Palin punched herself in the face.
  98. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Sarah Palin could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  99. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Sarah Palin.
  100. In an act of great philanthropy, Sarah Palin made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. She donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.