Top 100 Facts About Sarah Palin

  1. Sarah Palin invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.
  2. A man once claimed Sarah Palin kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  3. Sarah Palin is the only one who can "try this at home."
  4. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Sarah Palin and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  5. Sarah Palin is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.
  6. Sarah Palin was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  7. Sarah Palin was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  8. Sarah Palin was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  9. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Sarah Palin"
  10. Sarah Palin's blood type is WD-40.
  11. Along with her black belt, Sarah Palin often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call her on it. Ever.
  12. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Sarah Palin that she had tested positive. She laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  13. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Sarah Palin while she was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  14. Circles exist because Sarah Palin beat the crap out of some squares.
  15. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Sarah Palin, 3. Cancer
  16. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Sarah Palin".
  17. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Sarah Palin is worth 1 billion words.
  18. Sarah Palin became a vegetarian not because she loves animals, but because she hates plants.
  19. For Sarah Palin, every street is "one way". Her way.
  20. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Sarah Palin's first visit to Tokyo.
  21. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Sarah Palin … dies.
  22. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Sarah Palin.
  23. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Sarah Palin."
  24. Guns don't kill people. Sarah Palin kills People.
  25. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Sarah Palin.
  26. Sarah Palin can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  27. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Sarah Palin is on.
  28. If you ask Sarah Palin what time it is, she always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" she roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  29. Sarah Palin always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  30. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Sarah Palin would ever fight herself, she'd win. Period.
  31. Google won't search for Sarah Palin because it knows you don't find Sarah Palin, she finds you.
  32. Sarah Palin and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  33. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Sarah Palin will beat his ass and take it.
  34. Sarah Palin can kill two stones with one bird.
  35. If you spell Sarah Palin in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  36. Sarah Palin can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  37. If you Google search "Sarah Palin getting her ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Sarah Palin could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  39. In an emergency, Sarah Palin can be used as a floatation device.
  40. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Sarah Palin was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  41. Sarah Palin does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction
  42. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Sarah Palin". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Sarah Palin.
  43. Sarah Palin died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  44. Sarah Palin can tie her shoes with her feet.
  45. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Sarah Palin can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell she wants.
  46. James Cameron wanted Sarah Palin to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  47. Sarah Palin can speak braille.
  48. Sarah Palin doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  49. Sarah Palin can predict the shuffle on her iPod.
  50. Sarah Palin is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.
  51. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Sarah Palin."
  52. No matter what your mother always said, Sarah Palin can tune a fish.
  53. On a high school math test, Sarah Palin put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Sarah Palin solves all her problems with Violence.
  54. Sarah Palin has beat the crap out of so many people over her brilliant life that most medical journals now classify her as a laxative.
  55. Sarah Palin does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Sarah Palin goes killing.
  56. Not everyone that Sarah Palin is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  57. On her birthday, Sarah Palin randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  58. Sarah Palin is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  59. Sarah Palin counted to infinity - twice.
  60. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Sarah Palin bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  61. Sarah Palin irons her clothes while she's wearing them.
  62. Police label anyone attacking Sarah Palin as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  63. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Sarah Palin.
  64. Sarah Palin is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  65. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Sarah Palin roundhouse kick.
  66. Sarah Palin used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind her.
  67. People created the automobile to escape from Sarah Palin...Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin created the automobile accident.
  68. Sarah Palin sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with her eyes open, and she looks pissed off.
  69. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Sarah Palin beats all 3 at the same time.
  70. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Sarah Palin fight.
  71. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Sarah Palin's house one Christmas.
  72. Simply by pulling on both ends, Sarah Palin can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  73. Crop circles are Sarah Palin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
  74. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Sarah Palin asks for a body bag.
  75. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Sarah Palin to go around.
  76. Sarah Palin's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Sarah Palin will not take crap from anyone.
  77. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Sarah Palin gets too hot.
  78. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Sarah Palin glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  79. Sarah Palin's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Sarah Palin.
  80. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Sarah Palin.
  81. Sarah Palin was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  82. If Sarah Palin wants your opinion, she'll beat it into you.
  83. The crossing lights in Sarah Palin's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Sarah Palin punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  84. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Sarah Palin punched herself in the face.
  85. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Sarah Palin has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  86. For undercover police work, Sarah Palin pins her badge underneath her shirt, directly into her chest.
  87. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Sarah Palin always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  88. The First rule of Sarah Palin is: you do not talk about Sarah Palin.
  89. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Sarah Palin out. It failed miserably.
  90. If you work in an office with Sarah Palin, don't ask her for her three-hole-punch.
  91. Sarah Palin's family wraps her holiday presents in lead, so she can't see what's in them.
  92. The only time Sarah Palin was wrong was when she thought she had made a mistake.
  93. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Sarah Palin.
  94. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Sarah Palin in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  95. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Sarah Palin.
  96. If Sarah Palin wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  97. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Sarah Palin was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  98. In an act of great philanthropy, Sarah Palin made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. She donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  99. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Sarah Palin. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  100. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Sarah Palin.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.