Top 100 Facts About Roberto

1. Roberto sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
2. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Roberto and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
3. A man once claimed Roberto kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
4. Roberto's blood type is WD-40.
5. Roberto's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Roberto.
6. Roberto was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
7. Roberto's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Roberto will not take crap from anyone.
8. Roberto is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
9. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Roberto"
10. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Roberto to go around.
11. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Roberto is on.
12. Roberto was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
13. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Roberto is worth 1 billion words.
14. Roberto used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
15. Roberto's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
16. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Roberto will beat his ass and take it.
17. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Roberto.
18. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Roberto.
19. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Roberto always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
20. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Roberto".
21. Circles exist because Roberto beat the crap out of some squares.
22. Roberto always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
23. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Roberto, 3. Cancer
24. Roberto became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
25. If you ask Roberto what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
26. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Roberto."
27. Roberto and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
28. Roberto can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
29. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Roberto.
30. If you spell Roberto in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
31. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Roberto.
32. In an act of great philanthropy, Roberto made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
33. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Roberto.
34. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Roberto that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
35. Along with his black belt, Roberto often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
36. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Roberto". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Roberto.
37. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Roberto needs toothpicks.
38. In an emergency, Roberto can be used as a floatation device.
39. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Roberto a giant meteor.
40. If you Google search "Roberto getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
41. Roberto counted to infinity - twice.
42. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Roberto is looking for it.
43. Roberto can speak braille.
44. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Roberto turned that wine into beer.
45. Roberto can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
46. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Roberto could use to kill you, including the room itself.
47. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Roberto smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
48. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Roberto roundhouse kick.
49. Roberto does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Roberto goes killing.
50. Most people fear the Reaper. Roberto considers him "a promising Rookie".
51. Love does hurts. But not as much as Roberto.
52. Roberto does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
53. James Cameron wanted Roberto to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
54. Roberto doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
55. Roberto can kill two stones with one bird.
56. Roberto invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
57. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Roberto bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
58. Roberto died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
59. Roberto has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
60. Roberto is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
61. Once a cobra bit Roberto's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
62. People created the automobile to escape from Roberto...Not to be outdone, Roberto created the automobile accident.
63. On his birthday, Roberto randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
64. Q: How many Roberto's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Roberto prefers to kill in the dark.
65. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Roberto *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
66. Roberto can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
67. Roberto can tie his shoes with his feet.
68. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Roberto asks for a body bag.
69. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Roberto likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
70. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Roberto's house one Christmas.
71. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Roberto pajamas.
72. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Roberto beats all 3 at the same time.
73. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Roberto while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
74. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Roberto didn't kill you in your sleep.
75. Roberto is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
76. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Roberto with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Roberto cannot be in two places at the same time.
77. Roberto irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
78. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Roberto fight.
79. Staring at Roberto for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
80. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Roberto was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
81. For undercover police work, Roberto pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
82. The chief export of Roberto is Pain.
83. The Bible was originally titled "Roberto and Friends"
84. For Roberto, every street is "one way". His way.
85. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Roberto glare will liquefy your kidneys.
86. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Roberto's first visit to Tokyo.
87. Roberto is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
88. Guns don't kill people. Roberto kills people.
89. The only time Roberto was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
90. Crop circles are Roberto's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
91. Google won't search for Roberto because it knows you don't find Roberto, he finds you.
92. If Roberto wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
93. The last man who made eye contact with Roberto was Ray Charles.
94. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Roberto. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
95. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Roberto out. It failed miserably.
96. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Roberto. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
97. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Roberto's fist.
98. Roberto is the only one who can "try this at home."
99. Roberto was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
100. The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Roberto.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.