Top 100 Facts About Oedip

1. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Oedip and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
2. Oedip used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
3. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Oedip, 3. Cancer
4. Oedip was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
5. Oedip sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
6. Oedip was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
7. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Oedip"
8. Oedip is the only one who can "try this at home."
9. Along with his black belt, Oedip often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
10. Oedip's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
11. Oedip is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
12. Crop circles are Oedip's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
13. Oedip's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Oedip.
14. Circles exist because Oedip beat the crap out of some squares.
15. For undercover police work, Oedip pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
16. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Oedip to go around.
17. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Oedip is worth 1 billion words.
18. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Oedip".
19. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Oedip while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
20. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Oedip.
21. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Oedip … dies.
22. Oedip always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
23. Oedip's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Oedip will not take crap from anyone.
24. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Oedip that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
25. Oedip became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
26. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Oedip will beat his ass and take it.
27. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Oedip."
28. Google won't search for Oedip because it knows you don't find Oedip, he finds you.
29. If you ask Oedip what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
30. If you spell Oedip in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
31. Oedip can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
32. In an act of great philanthropy, Oedip made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
33. A man once claimed Oedip kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
34. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Oedip could use to kill you, including the room itself.
35. Oedip and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
36. In an emergency, Oedip can be used as a floatation device.
37. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Oedip.
38. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Oedip was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
39. Oedip can speak braille.
40. If you work in an office with Oedip, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
41. Oedip can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
42. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Oedip smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
43. If you Google search "Oedip getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
44. Little known medical fact: Oedip invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
45. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Oedip needs toothpicks.
46. James Cameron wanted Oedip to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
47. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Oedip jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
48. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Oedip is looking for it.
49. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Oedip.
50. Oedip counted to infinity - twice.
51. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Oedip can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
52. Most people fear the Reaper. Oedip considers him "a promising Rookie".
53. On a high school math test, Oedip put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Oedip solves all his problems with Violence.
54. Oedip does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
55. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Oedip a giant meteor.
56. Oedip can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
57. Oedip doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
58. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Oedip roundhouse kick.
59. Oedip can tie his shoes with his feet.
60. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Oedip.
61. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Oedip bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
62. People created the automobile to escape from Oedip...Not to be outdone, Oedip created the automobile accident.
63. Oedip invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
64. Q: How many Oedip's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Oedip prefers to kill in the dark.
65. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Oedip is on.
66. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Oedip fight.
67. Oedip does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Oedip goes killing.
68. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Oedip's house one Christmas.
69. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Oedip *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
70. Simply by pulling on both ends, Oedip can stretch diamonds back into coal.
71. Oedip is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
72. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Oedip
73. Oedip is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
74. Staring at Oedip for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
75. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Oedip beats all 3 at the same time.
76. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Oedip come off without a hitch.
77. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Oedip likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
78. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Oedip glare will liquefy your kidneys.
79. The easiest way to determine Oedip's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Oedip.
80. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Oedip didn't kill you in your sleep.
81. Oedip died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
82. Oedip was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
83. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Oedip gets too hot.
84. The chief export of Oedip is Pain.
85. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Oedip has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
86. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Oedip always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
87. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Oedip pajamas.
88. Oedip has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
89. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Oedip's first visit to Tokyo.
90. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Oedip was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
91. Oedip is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
92. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Oedip.
93. The only time Oedip was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
94. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Oedip. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
95. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Oedip.
96. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Oedip. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
97. Oedip can kill two stones with one bird.
98. The square root of Oedip is pain. Do not try to square Oedip, the result is death.
99. For Oedip, every street is "one way". His way.
100. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Oedip

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.