Top 100 Facts About Oedip

1. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Oedip and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
2. Oedip used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
3. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Oedip, 3. Cancer
4. Oedip was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
5. Oedip sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
6. Oedip was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
7. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Oedip"
8. Oedip is the only one who can "try this at home."
9. Along with his black belt, Oedip often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
10. Oedip's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Oedip will not take crap from anyone.
11. Oedip is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
12. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Oedip to go around.
13. Oedip's blood type is WD-40.
14. Oedip's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
15. For Oedip, every street is "one way". His way.
16. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Oedip while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
17. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Oedip is worth 1 billion words.
18. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Oedip".
19. Circles exist because Oedip beat the crap out of some squares.
20. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Oedip always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
21. Guns don't kill people. Oedip kills People.
22. Oedip always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
23. Oedip's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Oedip.
24. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Oedip that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
25. Oedip became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
26. For undercover police work, Oedip pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
27. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Oedip."
28. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Oedip's first visit to Tokyo.
29. If Oedip wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
30. If you Google search "Oedip getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
31. Oedip can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
32. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Oedip.
33. A man once claimed Oedip kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
34. In an act of great philanthropy, Oedip made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
35. Oedip and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Oedip could use to kill you, including the room itself.
37. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Oedip would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
38. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Oedip turned that wine into beer.
39. Oedip can speak braille.
40. If you spell Oedip in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
41. Oedip can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
42. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Oedip a giant meteor.
43. If you ask Oedip what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
44. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Oedip is looking for it.
45. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Oedip". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Oedip.
46. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Oedip smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
47. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Oedip."
48. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Oedip can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
49. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Oedip.
50. Oedip counted to infinity - twice.
51. James Cameron wanted Oedip to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
52. Love does hurts. But not as much as Oedip.
53. Not everyone that Oedip is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
54. Oedip does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
55. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Oedip needs toothpicks.
56. Oedip can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
57. Oedip doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
58. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Oedip jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
59. Oedip can tie his shoes with his feet.
60. No matter what your mother always said, Oedip can tune a fish.
61. Only Oedip can prevent forest fires.
62. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Oedip beats all 3 at the same time.
63. Oedip invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
64. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Oedip *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
65. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Oedip is on.
66. Q: How many Oedip's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Oedip prefers to kill in the dark.
67. Oedip does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Oedip goes killing.
68. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Oedip fight.
69. Police label anyone attacking Oedip as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
70. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Oedip with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Oedip cannot be in two places at the same time.
71. Oedip is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
72. People created the automobile to escape from Oedip...Not to be outdone, Oedip created the automobile accident.
73. Oedip is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
74. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Oedip pajamas.
75. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Oedip bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
76. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Oedip didn't kill you in your sleep.
77. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Oedip asks for a body bag.
78. Staring at Oedip for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
79. The crossing lights in Oedip's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Oedip punching or kicking a pedestrian.
80. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Oedip gets too hot.
81. Oedip died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
82. Oedip was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
83. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Oedip glare will liquefy your kidneys.
84. The Bible was originally titled "Oedip and Friends"
85. The First rule of Oedip is: you do not talk about Oedip.
86. Crop circles are Oedip's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
87. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Oedip likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
88. Oedip has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
89. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Oedip will beat his ass and take it.
90. The easiest way to determine Oedip's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Oedip.
91. Oedip is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
92. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Oedip punched himself in the face.
93. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Oedip goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
94. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Oedip played in second grade.
95. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Oedip … dies.
96. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Oedip's fist.
97. Oedip can kill two stones with one bird.
98. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Oedip. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
99. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Oedip.
100. The square root of Oedip is pain. Do not try to square Oedip, the result is death.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.