Top 100 Facts About LocKi

  1. LocKi is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  2. LocKi invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  3. LocKi is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  4. LocKi irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  5. LocKi is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  6. After taking a steroids test doctors informed LocKi that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  7. LocKi was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  8. LocKi was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  9. LocKi used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  10. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. LocKi, 3. Cancer
  11. LocKi's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because LocKi will not take crap from anyone.
  12. LocKi sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  13. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to LocKi and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  14. Every time someone uses the word "intense", LocKi always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  15. LocKi was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  16. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered LocKi"
  17. Along with his black belt, LocKi often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  18. Everybody loves Raymond. Except LocKi.
  19. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough LocKi to go around.
  20. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And LocKi."
  21. Guns don't kill people. LocKi kills People.
  22. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at LocKi … dies.
  23. A man once claimed LocKi kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  24. Hellen Keller's favorite color is LocKi.
  25. LocKi and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  26. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and LocKi will beat his ass and take it.
  27. Google won't search for LocKi because it knows you don't find LocKi, he finds you.
  28. LocKi became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  29. If LocKi wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  30. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since LocKi".
  31. If LocKi wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  32. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of LocKi's first visit to Tokyo.
  33. If you spell LocKi in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  34. For undercover police work, LocKi pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  35. If you ask LocKi what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  36. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be LocKi.
  37. If you Google search "LocKi getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  38. LocKi can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  39. In an emergency, LocKi can be used as a floatation device.
  40. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then LocKi turned that wine into beer.
  41. In an act of great philanthropy, LocKi made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  42. LocKi always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  43. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call LocKi a giant meteor.
  44. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be LocKi.
  45. A picture is worth a thousand words. A LocKi is worth 1 billion words.
  46. Love does hurts. But not as much as LocKi.
  47. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. LocKi was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  48. LocKi can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  49. LocKi can kill two stones with one bird.
  50. Most people fear the Reaper. LocKi considers him "a promising Rookie".
  51. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because LocKi is looking for it.
  52. LocKi can speak braille.
  53. Not everyone that LocKi is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  54. On a high school math test, LocKi put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because LocKi solves all his problems with Violence.
  55. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that LocKi is on.
  56. On his birthday, LocKi randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  57. LocKi does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  58. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a LocKi roundhouse kick.
  59. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except LocKi.
  60. LocKi does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. LocKi goes killing.
  61. Fifty years ago, LocKi accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  62. LocKi can tie his shoes with his feet.
  63. Only LocKi can prevent forest fires.
  64. No matter what your mother always said, LocKi can tune a fish.
  65. People created the automobile to escape from LocKi...Not to be outdone, LocKi created the automobile accident.
  66. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. LocKi jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  67. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. LocKi bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  68. Once a cobra bit LocKi's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  69. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but LocKi beats all 3 at the same time.
  70. LocKi doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  71. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped LocKi's house one Christmas.
  72. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge LocKi with "obstruction of justice." This is because even LocKi cannot be in two places at the same time.
  73. Q: How many LocKi's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, LocKi prefers to kill in the dark.
  74. LocKi died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  75. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears LocKi pajamas.
  76. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. LocKi *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  77. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is LocKi.
  78. The Bible was originally titled "LocKi and Friends"
  79. Simply by pulling on both ends, LocKi can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  80. LocKi is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  81. LocKi is the only one who can "try this at home."
  82. The chief export of LocKi is Pain.
  83. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that LocKi didn't kill you in your sleep.
  84. LocKi was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  85. The First rule of LocKi is: you do not talk about LocKi.
  86. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless LocKi has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  87. LocKi can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  88. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep LocKi out. It failed miserably.
  89. Circles exist because LocKi beat the crap out of some squares.
  90. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: LocKi was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  91. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets LocKi.
  92. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into LocKi while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  93. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. LocKi 3. Cancer.
  94. LocKi's blood type is WD-40.
  95. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when LocKi goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  96. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when LocKi punched himself in the face.
  97. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs LocKi. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  98. The easiest way to determine LocKi's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through LocKi.
  99. The only time LocKi was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  100. The last man who made eye contact with LocKi was Ray Charles.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.