Top 100 Facts About LocKi

  1. LocKi is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  2. LocKi invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  3. LocKi is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  4. LocKi irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  5. LocKi is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  6. After taking a steroids test doctors informed LocKi that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  7. LocKi was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  8. LocKi was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  9. LocKi used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  10. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. LocKi, 3. Cancer
  11. LocKi's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  12. LocKi sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  13. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to LocKi and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  14. Everybody loves Raymond. Except LocKi.
  15. LocKi's blood type is WD-40.
  16. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered LocKi"
  17. Along with his black belt, LocKi often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  18. For LocKi, every street is "one way". His way.
  19. Crop circles are LocKi's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  20. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And LocKi."
  21. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at LocKi … dies.
  22. Hellen Keller's favorite color is LocKi.
  23. A man once claimed LocKi kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  24. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be LocKi.
  25. LocKi and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  26. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of LocKi's first visit to Tokyo.
  27. Guns don't kill people. LocKi kills people.
  28. LocKi became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  29. If LocKi wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  30. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since LocKi".
  31. If you ask LocKi what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  32. Google won't search for LocKi because it knows you don't find LocKi, he finds you.
  33. If you work in an office with LocKi, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  34. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and LocKi will beat his ass and take it.
  35. If you Google search "LocKi getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  36. If LocKi wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  37. If you spell LocKi in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  38. LocKi can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  39. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then LocKi turned that wine into beer.
  40. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. LocKi was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  41. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects LocKi could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  42. LocKi always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  43. It takes 14 puppeteers to make LocKi smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  44. In an act of great philanthropy, LocKi made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  45. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of LocKi is worth 1 billion words.
  46. Most people fear the Reaper. LocKi considers him "a promising Rookie".
  47. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, LocKi". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by LocKi.
  48. LocKi can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  49. LocKi can kill two stones with one bird.
  50. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of LocKi."
  51. Little known medical fact: LocKi invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  52. LocKi can speak braille.
  53. On a high school math test, LocKi put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because LocKi solves all his problems with Violence.
  54. On his birthday, LocKi randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  55. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that LocKi is on.
  56. Once a cobra bit LocKi's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  57. LocKi does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  58. No matter what your mother always said, LocKi can tune a fish.
  59. Not everyone that LocKi is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  60. LocKi does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. LocKi goes killing.
  61. Only LocKi can prevent forest fires.
  62. LocKi can tie his shoes with his feet.
  63. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. LocKi bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  64. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except LocKi.
  65. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... LocKi
  66. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a LocKi roundhouse kick.
  67. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but LocKi beats all 3 at the same time.
  68. Fifty years ago, LocKi accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  69. People created the automobile to escape from LocKi...Not to be outdone, LocKi created the automobile accident.
  70. LocKi doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  71. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge LocKi with "obstruction of justice." This is because even LocKi cannot be in two places at the same time.
  72. Simply by pulling on both ends, LocKi can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  73. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a LocKi fight.
  74. LocKi died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  75. Staring at LocKi for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  76. Q: How many LocKi's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, LocKi prefers to kill in the dark.
  77. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is LocKi.
  78. The chief export of LocKi is Pain.
  79. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, LocKi asks for a body bag.
  80. LocKi is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  81. LocKi is the only one who can "try this at home."
  82. The crossing lights in LocKi's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of LocKi punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  83. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of LocKi come off without a hitch.
  84. LocKi was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  85. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless LocKi has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  86. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep LocKi out. It failed miserably.
  87. LocKi can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  88. The last man who made eye contact with LocKi was Ray Charles.
  89. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into LocKi while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  90. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when LocKi punched himself in the face.
  91. The First rule of LocKi is: you do not talk about LocKi.
  92. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough LocKi to go around.
  93. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when LocKi goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  94. LocKi's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools LocKi.
  95. The only time LocKi was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  96. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets LocKi.
  97. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by LocKi.
  98. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: LocKi was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  99. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball LocKi played in second grade.
  100. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. LocKi 3. Cancer.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.