Top 100 Facts About John Murch

  1. John Murch irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  2. John Murch sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. John Murch was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  4. A man once claimed John Murch kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  5. John Murch was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  6. After taking a steroids test doctors informed John Murch that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  7. John Murch is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  8. John Murch's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools John Murch.
  9. Circles exist because John Murch beat the crap out of some squares.
  10. John Murch is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  11. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that John Murch is on.
  12. John Murch was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  13. John Murch's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because John Murch will not take crap from anyone.
  14. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. John Murch, 3. Cancer
  15. John Murch's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  16. John Murch was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  17. Everybody loves Raymond. Except John Murch.
  18. John Murch's blood type is WD-40.
  19. For undercover police work, John Murch pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  20. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough John Murch to go around.
  21. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since John Murch".
  22. Every time someone uses the word "intense", John Murch always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  23. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be John Murch.
  24. Along with his black belt, John Murch often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  25. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is John Murch.
  26. Guns don't kill people. John Murch kills People.
  27. If you ask John Murch what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  28. For John Murch, every street is "one way". His way.
  29. If John Murch wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  30. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to John Murch and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  31. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, John Murch would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  32. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered John Murch"
  33. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at John Murch … dies.
  34. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be John Murch.
  35. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then John Murch turned that wine into beer.
  36. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And John Murch."
  37. In an emergency, John Murch can be used as a floatation device.
  38. John Murch became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  39. If you Google search "John Murch getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  40. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. John Murch needs toothpicks.
  41. James Cameron wanted John Murch to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  42. If you work in an office with John Murch, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  43. John Murch can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects John Murch could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  45. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call John Murch a giant meteor.
  46. John Murch and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  47. It takes 14 puppeteers to make John Murch smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  48. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. John Murch was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  49. Most people fear the Reaper. John Murch considers him "a promising Rookie".
  50. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, John Murch". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by John Murch.
  51. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. John Murch jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  52. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because John Murch is looking for it.
  53. John Murch can speak braille.
  54. Love does hurts. But not as much as John Murch.
  55. Once a cobra bit John Murch's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  56. John Murch can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  57. John Murch can tie his shoes with his feet.
  58. Not everyone that John Murch is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  59. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. John Murch bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  60. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of John Murch."
  61. Only John Murch can prevent forest fires.
  62. A picture is worth a thousand words. A John Murch is worth 1 billion words.
  63. Police label anyone attacking John Murch as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  64. John Murch can kill two stones with one bird.
  65. On a high school math test, John Murch put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because John Murch solves all his problems with Violence.
  66. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. John Murch *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  67. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge John Murch with "obstruction of justice." This is because even John Murch cannot be in two places at the same time.
  68. John Murch can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  69. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped John Murch's house one Christmas.
  70. John Murch does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  71. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but John Murch beats all 3 at the same time.
  72. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. John Murch likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  73. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a John Murch glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  74. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... John Murch
  75. John Murch does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. John Murch goes killing.
  76. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a John Murch fight.
  77. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears John Murch pajamas.
  78. John Murch died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  79. Staring at John Murch for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  80. Simply by pulling on both ends, John Murch can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  81. The chief export of John Murch is Pain.
  82. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, John Murch asks for a body bag.
  83. The easiest way to determine John Murch's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through John Murch.
  84. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that John Murch didn't kill you in your sleep.
  85. John Murch is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  86. The Bible was originally titled "John Murch and Friends"
  87. The last man who made eye contact with John Murch was Ray Charles.
  88. John Murch doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  89. John Murch is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  90. The First rule of John Murch is: you do not talk about John Murch.
  91. The only time John Murch was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  92. The crossing lights in John Murch's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of John Murch punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  93. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when John Murch goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  94. John Murch always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  95. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind John Murch in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  96. John Murch has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  97. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless John Murch has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  98. The quickest way to a man's heart is with John Murch's fist.
  99. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that John Murch's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
  100. John Murch invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.