Top 100 Facts About John Murch

  1. John Murch irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  2. John Murch sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. John Murch was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  4. A man once claimed John Murch kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  5. John Murch was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  6. After taking a steroids test doctors informed John Murch that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  7. John Murch is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  8. John Murch's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because John Murch will not take crap from anyone.
  9. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into John Murch while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  10. John Murch is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  11. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that John Murch is on.
  12. John Murch was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  13. John Murch's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  14. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. John Murch, 3. Cancer
  15. Circles exist because John Murch beat the crap out of some squares.
  16. John Murch's blood type is WD-40.
  17. For John Murch, every street is "one way". His way.
  18. John Murch's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools John Murch.
  19. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and John Murch will beat his ass and take it.
  20. Crop circles are John Murch's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  21. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since John Murch".
  22. Everybody loves Raymond. Except John Murch.
  23. If John Murch wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  24. Along with his black belt, John Murch often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  25. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is John Murch.
  26. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at John Murch … dies.
  27. If you Google search "John Murch getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  28. For undercover police work, John Murch pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  29. If you ask John Murch what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  30. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to John Murch and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  31. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be John Murch.
  32. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered John Murch"
  33. Hellen Keller's favorite color is John Murch.
  34. In an act of great philanthropy, John Murch made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  35. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. John Murch was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  36. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And John Murch."
  37. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then John Murch turned that wine into beer.
  38. John Murch became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  39. If you spell John Murch in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  40. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call John Murch a giant meteor.
  41. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. John Murch can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  42. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, John Murch would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  43. John Murch can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  44. In an emergency, John Murch can be used as a floatation device.
  45. It takes 14 puppeteers to make John Murch smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  46. John Murch and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  47. James Cameron wanted John Murch to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  48. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, John Murch". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by John Murch.
  49. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of John Murch."
  50. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. John Murch needs toothpicks.
  51. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a John Murch roundhouse kick.
  52. Little known medical fact: John Murch invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  53. John Murch can speak braille.
  54. Most people fear the Reaper. John Murch considers him "a promising Rookie".
  55. Fifty years ago, John Murch accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  56. John Murch can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  57. John Murch can tie his shoes with his feet.
  58. On a high school math test, John Murch put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because John Murch solves all his problems with Violence.
  59. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but John Murch beats all 3 at the same time.
  60. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. John Murch jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  61. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. John Murch bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  62. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of John Murch is worth 1 billion words.
  63. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. John Murch *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  64. John Murch can kill two stones with one bird.
  65. On his birthday, John Murch randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  66. Q: How many John Murch's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, John Murch prefers to kill in the dark.
  67. Simply by pulling on both ends, John Murch can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  68. John Murch can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  69. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge John Murch with "obstruction of justice." This is because even John Murch cannot be in two places at the same time.
  70. John Murch does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  71. People created the automobile to escape from John Murch...Not to be outdone, John Murch created the automobile accident.
  72. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears John Murch pajamas.
  73. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when John Murch gets too hot.
  74. Police label anyone attacking John Murch as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  75. John Murch does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. John Murch goes killing.
  76. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped John Murch's house one Christmas.
  77. Staring at John Murch for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  78. John Murch died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  79. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a John Murch glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  80. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, John Murch asks for a body bag.
  81. The crossing lights in John Murch's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of John Murch punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  82. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. John Murch likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  83. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: John Murch was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  84. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of John Murch come off without a hitch.
  85. John Murch is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  86. The chief export of John Murch is Pain.
  87. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. John Murch 3. Cancer.
  88. John Murch doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  89. John Murch is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  90. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless John Murch has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  91. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball John Murch played in second grade.
  92. The easiest way to determine John Murch's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through John Murch.
  93. The only time John Murch was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  94. John Murch always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  95. The quickest way to a man's heart is with John Murch's fist.
  96. John Murch has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  97. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep John Murch out. It failed miserably.
  98. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with John Murch. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  99. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: John Murch killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
  100. John Murch invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

This article was brought to you by 100factsabout.com and LoopyTube.com.
Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.