Top 100 Facts About John McCain

  1. John McCain is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  2. John McCain is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  3. A picture is worth a thousand words. A John McCain is worth 1 billion words.
  4. John McCain sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  5. John McCain was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  6. After taking a steroids test doctors informed John McCain that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  7. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to John McCain and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  8. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. John McCain, 3. Cancer
  9. John McCain was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  10. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered John McCain"
  11. John McCain was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  12. John McCain's blood type is WD-40.
  13. John McCain was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  14. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough John McCain to go around.
  15. A man once claimed John McCain kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  16. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into John McCain while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  17. For John McCain, every street is "one way". His way.
  18. John McCain's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  19. For undercover police work, John McCain pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  20. Guns don't kill people. John McCain kills People.
  21. Everybody loves Raymond. Except John McCain.
  22. Crop circles are John McCain's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  23. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and John McCain will beat his ass and take it.
  24. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be John McCain.
  25. Google won't search for John McCain because it knows you don't find John McCain, he finds you.
  26. If you ask John McCain what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  27. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at John McCain … dies.
  28. Circles exist because John McCain beat the crap out of some squares.
  29. If John McCain wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  30. Along with his black belt, John McCain often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  31. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that John McCain is on.
  32. If you work in an office with John McCain, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  33. If John McCain wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  34. Hellen Keller's favorite color is John McCain.
  35. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is John McCain.
  36. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be John McCain.
  37. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects John McCain could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  38. John McCain and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  39. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And John McCain."
  40. John McCain always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  41. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. John McCain was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  42. John McCain can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  43. In an emergency, John McCain can be used as a floatation device.
  44. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, John McCain". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by John McCain.
  45. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then John McCain turned that wine into beer.
  46. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because John McCain is looking for it.
  47. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since John McCain".
  48. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. John McCain can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  49. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of John McCain."
  50. It takes 14 puppeteers to make John McCain smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  51. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. John McCain jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  52. Not everyone that John McCain is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  53. Most people fear the Reaper. John McCain considers him "a promising Rookie".
  54. Little known medical fact: John McCain invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  55. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a John McCain roundhouse kick.
  56. Once a cobra bit John McCain's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  57. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except John McCain.
  58. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. John McCain bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  59. On a high school math test, John McCain put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because John McCain solves all his problems with Violence.
  60. James Cameron wanted John McCain to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  61. Only John McCain can prevent forest fires.
  62. John McCain can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  63. John McCain became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  64. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... John McCain
  65. Fifty years ago, John McCain accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  66. On his birthday, John McCain randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  67. John McCain can speak braille.
  68. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. John McCain *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  69. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a John McCain fight.
  70. John McCain counted to infinity - twice.
  71. John McCain can kill two stones with one bird.
  72. John McCain can tie his shoes with his feet.
  73. Simply by pulling on both ends, John McCain can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  74. John McCain does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. John McCain goes killing.
  75. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped John McCain's house one Christmas.
  76. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, John McCain asks for a body bag.
  77. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge John McCain with "obstruction of justice." This is because even John McCain cannot be in two places at the same time.
  78. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that John McCain didn't kill you in your sleep.
  79. John McCain can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  80. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when John McCain gets too hot.
  81. The crossing lights in John McCain's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of John McCain punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  82. Staring at John McCain for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  83. The easiest way to determine John McCain's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through John McCain.
  84. The First rule of John McCain is: you do not talk about John McCain.
  85. The chief export of John McCain is Pain.
  86. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of John McCain come off without a hitch.
  87. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: John McCain was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  88. The last man who made eye contact with John McCain was Ray Charles.
  89. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets John McCain.
  90. The only time John McCain was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  91. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless John McCain has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  92. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a John McCain glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  93. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when John McCain goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  94. John McCain does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  95. John McCain died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  96. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by John McCain.
  97. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. John McCain 3. Cancer.
  98. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep John McCain out. It failed miserably.
  99. John McCain invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  100. The quickest way to a man's heart is with John McCain's fist.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.