Top 100 Facts About John McCain

  1. John McCain is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  2. John McCain is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  3. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of John McCain is worth 1 billion words.
  4. John McCain sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  5. John McCain was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  6. After taking a steroids test doctors informed John McCain that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  7. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to John McCain and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  8. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. John McCain, 3. Cancer
  9. John McCain's blood type is WD-40.
  10. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered John McCain"
  11. John McCain was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  12. John McCain's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools John McCain.
  13. John McCain was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  14. Crop circles are John McCain's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  15. A man once claimed John McCain kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  16. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough John McCain to go around.
  17. For undercover police work, John McCain pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  18. Circles exist because John McCain beat the crap out of some squares.
  19. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and John McCain will beat his ass and take it.
  20. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at John McCain … dies.
  21. For John McCain, every street is "one way". His way.
  22. Every time someone uses the word "intense", John McCain always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  23. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of John McCain's first visit to Tokyo.
  24. If John McCain wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  25. Guns don't kill people. John McCain kills people.
  26. If you Google search "John McCain getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  27. Hellen Keller's favorite color is John McCain.
  28. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into John McCain while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  29. If you ask John McCain what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  30. Along with his black belt, John McCain often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  31. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that John McCain is on.
  32. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, John McCain would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  33. If John McCain wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  34. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be John McCain.
  35. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is John McCain.
  36. In an act of great philanthropy, John McCain made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  37. In an emergency, John McCain can be used as a floatation device.
  38. John McCain and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  39. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And John McCain."
  40. John McCain always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  41. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, John McCain". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by John McCain.
  42. John McCain can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  43. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then John McCain turned that wine into beer.
  44. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. John McCain needs toothpicks.
  45. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. John McCain was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  46. Little known medical fact: John McCain invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  47. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since John McCain".
  48. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because John McCain is looking for it.
  49. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. John McCain jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  50. James Cameron wanted John McCain to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  51. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a John McCain roundhouse kick.
  52. On a high school math test, John McCain put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because John McCain solves all his problems with Violence.
  53. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of John McCain."
  54. Love does hurts. But not as much as John McCain.
  55. No matter what your mother always said, John McCain can tune a fish.
  56. Fifty years ago, John McCain accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  57. Not everyone that John McCain is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  58. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but John McCain beats all 3 at the same time.
  59. On his birthday, John McCain randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  60. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. John McCain can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  61. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. John McCain bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  62. John McCain can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  63. John McCain became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  64. Police label anyone attacking John McCain as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  65. Only John McCain can prevent forest fires.
  66. Once a cobra bit John McCain's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  67. John McCain can speak braille.
  68. Q: How many John McCain's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, John McCain prefers to kill in the dark.
  69. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped John McCain's house one Christmas.
  70. John McCain counted to infinity - twice.
  71. John McCain can kill two stones with one bird.
  72. John McCain can tie his shoes with his feet.
  73. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, John McCain asks for a body bag.
  74. John McCain does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. John McCain goes killing.
  75. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge John McCain with "obstruction of justice." This is because even John McCain cannot be in two places at the same time.
  76. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. John McCain likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  77. Simply by pulling on both ends, John McCain can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  78. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of John McCain come off without a hitch.
  79. John McCain can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  80. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that John McCain didn't kill you in your sleep.
  81. The easiest way to determine John McCain's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through John McCain.
  82. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a John McCain glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  83. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: John McCain was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  84. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless John McCain has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  85. The crossing lights in John McCain's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of John McCain punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  86. The Bible was originally titled "John McCain and Friends"
  87. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when John McCain punched himself in the face.
  88. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. John McCain 3. Cancer.
  89. The First rule of John McCain is: you do not talk about John McCain.
  90. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball John McCain played in second grade.
  91. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep John McCain out. It failed miserably.
  92. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when John McCain gets too hot.
  93. The only time John McCain was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  94. John McCain does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  95. John McCain died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  96. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind John McCain in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  97. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when John McCain goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  98. The last man who made eye contact with John McCain was Ray Charles.
  99. John McCain invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with John McCain. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.