Top 100 Facts About Heather Solos

  1. Heather Solos sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with her eyes open, and she looks pissed off.
  2. Heather Solos was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  3. Heather Solos invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.
  4. Heather Solos was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  5. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Heather Solos is on.
  6. Heather Solos is the only one who can "try this at home."
  7. Heather Solos's blood type is WD-40.
  8. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Heather Solos is worth 1 billion words.
  9. Heather Solos's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Heather Solos will not take crap from anyone.
  10. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Heather Solos that she had tested positive. She laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  11. Heather Solos's family wraps her holiday presents in lead, so she can't see what's in them.
  12. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Heather Solos."
  13. Heather Solos is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  14. Heather Solos used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  15. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Heather Solos and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  16. For Heather Solos, every street is "one way". Her way.
  17. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Heather Solos.
  18. Crop circles are Heather Solos's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  19. Guns don't kill people. Heather Solos kills people.
  20. Heather Solos's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Heather Solos.
  21. Along with her black belt, Heather Solos often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call her on it. Ever.
  22. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Heather Solos.
  23. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Heather Solos".
  24. Google won't search for Heather Solos because it knows you don't find Heather Solos, she finds you.
  25. If you ask Heather Solos what time it is, she always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" she roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  26. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Heather Solos to go around.
  27. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Heather Solos.
  28. If you work in an office with Heather Solos, don't ask her for her three-hole-punch.
  29. A man once claimed Heather Solos kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  30. If Heather Solos wants your opinion, she'll beat it into you.
  31. Heather Solos and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  32. Heather Solos became a vegetarian not because she loves animals, but because she hates plants.
  33. In an act of great philanthropy, Heather Solos made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. She donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  34. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Heather Solos turned that wine into beer.
  35. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Heather Solos … dies.
  36. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Heather Solos was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  37. Heather Solos can kill two stones with one bird.
  38. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Heather Solos would ever fight herself, she'd win. Period.
  39. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Heather Solos". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Heather Solos.
  40. Heather Solos always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  41. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Heather Solos a giant meteor.
  42. Heather Solos can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  43. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Heather Solos smile, but only 2 to make her destroy an orphanage.
  44. Heather Solos can tie her shoes with her feet.
  45. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Heather Solos.
  46. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Heather Solos could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  47. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Heather Solos, 3. Cancer
  48. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Heather Solos."
  49. Most people fear the Reaper. Heather Solos considers him "a promising Rookie".
  50. Little known medical fact: Heather Solos invented the Caesarean section when she roundhouse-kicked her way out of her monther's womb.
  51. Not everyone that Heather Solos is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  52. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Heather Solos needs toothpicks.
  53. Heather Solos can predict the shuffle on her iPod.
  54. On her birthday, Heather Solos randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  55. Heather Solos counted to infinity - twice.
  56. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Heather Solos.
  57. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Heather Solos bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  58. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Heather Solos is looking for it.
  59. Heather Solos died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  60. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Heather Solos
  61. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Heather Solos"
  62. Only Heather Solos can prevent forest fires.
  63. Heather Solos does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Heather Solos goes killing.
  64. Heather Solos doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  65. Q: How many Heather Solos's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Heather Solos prefers to kill in the dark.
  66. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Heather Solos with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Heather Solos cannot be in two places at the same time.
  67. On a high school math test, Heather Solos put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Heather Solos solves all her problems with Violence.
  68. Simply by pulling on both ends, Heather Solos can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  69. Heather Solos is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  70. Police label anyone attacking Heather Solos as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  71. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Heather Solos asks for a body bag.
  72. Heather Solos does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction
  73. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Heather Solos pajamas.
  74. Heather Solos irons her clothes while she's wearing them.
  75. Staring at Heather Solos for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  76. Heather Solos was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  77. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Heather Solos *carried* her the same distance, but in half the time.
  78. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Heather Solos fight.
  79. Heather Solos can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  80. The crossing lights in Heather Solos's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Heather Solos punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  81. The chief export of Heather Solos is Pain.
  82. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Heather Solos come off without a hitch.
  83. The First rule of Heather Solos is: you do not talk about Heather Solos.
  84. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Heather Solos likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  85. Heather Solos is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.
  86. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Heather Solos out. It failed miserably.
  87. Circles exist because Heather Solos beat the crap out of some squares.
  88. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Heather Solos.
  89. The only time Heather Solos was wrong was when she thought she had made a mistake.
  90. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Heather Solos didn't kill you in your sleep.
  91. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Heather Solos while she was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  92. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Heather Solos.
  93. Heather Solos can speak braille.
  94. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Heather Solos goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  95. For undercover police work, Heather Solos pins her badge underneath her shirt, directly into her chest.
  96. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Heather Solos will beat his ass and take it.
  97. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Heather Solos. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  98. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Heather Solos's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
  99. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Heather Solos has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  100. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Heather Solos killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.