Top 100 Facts About Heather Locklear

  1. Heather Locklear is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.
  2. Heather Locklear invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.
  3. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Heather Locklear is worth 1 billion words.
  4. A man once claimed Heather Locklear kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  5. Heather Locklear's blood type is WD-40.
  6. Heather Locklear was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  7. Heather Locklear is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  8. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Heather Locklear and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  9. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Heather Locklear"
  10. Heather Locklear was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  11. Heather Locklear sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with her eyes open, and she looks pissed off.
  12. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Heather Locklear that she had tested positive. She laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  13. Heather Locklear's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Heather Locklear.
  14. Heather Locklear was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  15. Heather Locklear's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Heather Locklear will not take crap from anyone.
  16. Heather Locklear's family wraps her holiday presents in lead, so she can't see what's in them.
  17. Heather Locklear was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  18. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Heather Locklear to go around.
  19. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Heather Locklear.
  20. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Heather Locklear is on.
  21. Guns don't kill people. Heather Locklear kills People.
  22. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Heather Locklear while she was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  23. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Heather Locklear always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  24. Heather Locklear always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  25. For undercover police work, Heather Locklear pins her badge underneath her shirt, directly into her chest.
  26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Heather Locklear.
  27. Heather Locklear and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  28. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Heather Locklear … dies.
  29. If you Google search "Heather Locklear getting her ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  30. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Heather Locklear".
  31. Heather Locklear can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  32. Heather Locklear can kill two stones with one bird.
  33. If you ask Heather Locklear what time it is, she always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" she roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  34. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Heather Locklear.
  35. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Heather Locklear."
  36. Along with her black belt, Heather Locklear often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call her on it. Ever.
  37. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Heather Locklear". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Heather Locklear.
  38. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Heather Locklear turned that wine into beer.
  39. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Heather Locklear would ever fight herself, she'd win. Period.
  40. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Heather Locklear, 3. Cancer
  41. Heather Locklear can tie her shoes with her feet.
  42. In an emergency, Heather Locklear can be used as a floatation device.
  43. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Heather Locklear.
  44. Heather Locklear can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  45. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Heather Locklear needs toothpicks.
  46. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Heather Locklear was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  47. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Heather Locklear a giant meteor.
  48. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Heather Locklear smile, but only 2 to make her destroy an orphanage.
  49. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Heather Locklear could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  50. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Heather Locklear is looking for it.
  51. Most people fear the Reaper. Heather Locklear considers him "a promising Rookie".
  52. Heather Locklear can predict the shuffle on her iPod.
  53. Not everyone that Heather Locklear is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  54. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Heather Locklear can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell she wants.
  55. Love does hurts. But not as much as Heather Locklear.
  56. Heather Locklear does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Heather Locklear goes killing.
  57. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Heather Locklear jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  58. Heather Locklear does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction
  59. Heather Locklear doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  60. On a high school math test, Heather Locklear put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Heather Locklear solves all her problems with Violence.
  61. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Heather Locklear beats all 3 at the same time.
  62. Heather Locklear died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  63. Heather Locklear irons her clothes while she's wearing them.
  64. Heather Locklear is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.
  65. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Heather Locklear bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  66. Once a cobra bit Heather Locklear's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  67. Heather Locklear counted to infinity - twice.
  68. Heather Locklear can speak braille.
  69. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Heather Locklear asks for a body bag.
  70. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Heather Locklear with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Heather Locklear cannot be in two places at the same time.
  71. Police label anyone attacking Heather Locklear as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  72. Heather Locklear became a vegetarian not because she loves animals, but because she hates plants.
  73. Circles exist because Heather Locklear beat the crap out of some squares.
  74. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Heather Locklear's house one Christmas.
  75. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Heather Locklear *carried* her the same distance, but in half the time.
  76. Heather Locklear is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  77. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Heather Locklear likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  78. Simply by pulling on both ends, Heather Locklear can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  79. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Heather Locklear pajamas.
  80. Staring at Heather Locklear for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  81. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Heather Locklear fight.
  82. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Heather Locklear didn't kill you in your sleep.
  83. The chief export of Heather Locklear is Pain.
  84. Heather Locklear is the only one who can "try this at home."
  85. The First rule of Heather Locklear is: you do not talk about Heather Locklear.
  86. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Heather Locklear gets too hot.
  87. The Bible was originally titled "Heather Locklear and Friends"
  88. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Heather Locklear's first visit to Tokyo.
  89. The easiest way to determine Heather Locklear's age is to cut her in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Heather Locklear.
  90. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Heather Locklear will beat his ass and take it.
  91. Google won't search for Heather Locklear because it knows you don't find Heather Locklear, she finds you.
  92. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Heather Locklear has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  93. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Heather Locklear played in second grade.
  94. For Heather Locklear, every street is "one way". Her way.
  95. If Heather Locklear wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  96. If you spell Heather Locklear in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  97. The only time Heather Locklear was wrong was when she thought she had made a mistake.
  98. The last man who made eye contact with Heather Locklear was Ray Charles.
  99. Crop circles are Heather Locklear's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  100. Heather Locklear used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.