Top 100 Facts About Emilian Cristea

  1. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Emilian Cristea, 3. Cancer
  2. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Emilian Cristea is worth 1 billion words.
  3. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Emilian Cristea is on.
  4. Along with his black belt, Emilian Cristea often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  5. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Emilian Cristea that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  6. A man once claimed Emilian Cristea kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  7. Emilian Cristea's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Emilian Cristea will not take crap from anyone.
  8. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Emilian Cristea."
  9. Emilian Cristea used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  10. Emilian Cristea's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  11. Emilian Cristea sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  12. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Emilian Cristea and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  13. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Emilian Cristea always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  14. Emilian Cristea's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Emilian Cristea.
  15. Emilian Cristea always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  16. Circles exist because Emilian Cristea beat the crap out of some squares.
  17. Crop circles are Emilian Cristea's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  18. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Emilian Cristea.
  19. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Emilian Cristea while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  20. Emilian Cristea became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  21. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Emilian Cristea … dies.
  22. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Emilian Cristea".
  23. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Emilian Cristea.
  24. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Emilian Cristea.
  25. Emilian Cristea can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  26. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Emilian Cristea"
  27. If you Google search "Emilian Cristea getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  28. Emilian Cristea and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  29. If Emilian Cristea wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  30. Emilian Cristea can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  31. Emilian Cristea can kill two stones with one bird.
  32. Emilian Cristea does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  33. Emilian Cristea counted to infinity - twice.
  34. Emilian Cristea can tie his shoes with his feet.
  35. Emilian Cristea does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Emilian Cristea goes killing.
  36. Emilian Cristea doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  37. Emilian Cristea died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  38. Emilian Cristea can speak braille.
  39. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Emilian Cristea a giant meteor.
  40. Emilian Cristea invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  41. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Emilian Cristea could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  42. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Emilian Cristea smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  43. In an act of great philanthropy, Emilian Cristea made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  44. Emilian Cristea can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  45. Love does hurts. But not as much as Emilian Cristea.
  46. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Emilian Cristea needs toothpicks.
  47. Emilian Cristea is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  48. James Cameron wanted Emilian Cristea to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  49. Little known medical fact: Emilian Cristea invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  50. Emilian Cristea is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  51. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Emilian Cristea can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  52. Emilian Cristea is the only one who can "try this at home."
  53. On a high school math test, Emilian Cristea put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Emilian Cristea solves all his problems with Violence.
  54. Emilian Cristea irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  55. Once a cobra bit Emilian Cristea's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  56. On his birthday, Emilian Cristea randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  57. Emilian Cristea is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  58. Emilian Cristea has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  59. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Emilian Cristea beats all 3 at the same time.
  60. Emilian Cristea is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  61. Only Emilian Cristea can prevent forest fires.
  62. Emilian Cristea was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  63. Emilian Cristea was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  64. For undercover police work, Emilian Cristea pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  65. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Emilian Cristea.
  66. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Emilian Cristea to go around.
  67. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Emilian Cristea will beat his ass and take it.
  68. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Emilian Cristea's first visit to Tokyo.
  69. For Emilian Cristea, every street is "one way". His way.
  70. Emilian Cristea's blood type is WD-40.
  71. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Emilian Cristea pajamas.
  72. Guns don't kill people. Emilian Cristea kills people.
  73. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Emilian Cristea fight.
  74. Staring at Emilian Cristea for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  75. Q: How many Emilian Cristea's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Emilian Cristea prefers to kill in the dark.
  76. Emilian Cristea was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  77. The Bible was originally titled "Emilian Cristea and Friends"
  78. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Emilian Cristea likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  79. If you spell Emilian Cristea in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  80. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Emilian Cristea glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  81. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Emilian Cristea come off without a hitch.
  82. If you ask Emilian Cristea what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  83. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Emilian Cristea gets too hot.
  84. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Emilian Cristea would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  85. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Emilian Cristea has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  86. If Emilian Cristea wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  87. The last man who made eye contact with Emilian Cristea was Ray Charles.
  88. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Emilian Cristea out. It failed miserably.
  89. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Emilian Cristea.
  90. Google won't search for Emilian Cristea because it knows you don't find Emilian Cristea, he finds you.
  91. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Emilian Cristea played in second grade.
  92. If you work in an office with Emilian Cristea, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  93. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Emilian Cristea goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  94. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Emilian Cristea was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  95. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Emilian Cristea turned that wine into beer.
  96. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Emilian Cristea jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  97. Most people fear the Reaper. Emilian Cristea considers him "a promising Rookie".
  98. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Emilian Cristea is looking for it.
  99. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Emilian Cristea roundhouse kick.
  100. No matter what your mother always said, Emilian Cristea can tune a fish.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.