Top 100 Facts About Emi Gal

  1. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Emi Gal and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  2. Emi Gal is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  3. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Emi Gal is worth 1 billion words.
  4. Emi Gal used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  5. A man once claimed Emi Gal kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  6. Emi Gal is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  7. Emi Gal is the only one who can "try this at home."
  8. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Emi Gal"
  9. Emi Gal was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  10. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Emi Gal."
  11. Emi Gal's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Emi Gal will not take crap from anyone.
  12. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Emi Gal to go around.
  13. Emi Gal's blood type is WD-40.
  14. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Emi Gal always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  15. Emi Gal was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  16. Along with his black belt, Emi Gal often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  17. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Emi Gal is on.
  18. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Emi Gal's first visit to Tokyo.
  19. Crop circles are Emi Gal's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  20. Emi Gal and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  21. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Emi Gal while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  22. For Emi Gal, every street is "one way". His way.
  23. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Emi Gal.
  24. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Emi Gal.
  25. If Emi Gal wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Emi Gal.
  27. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Emi Gal, 3. Cancer
  28. If you ask Emi Gal what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  29. For undercover police work, Emi Gal pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  30. If you spell Emi Gal in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  31. Guns don't kill people. Emi Gal kills People.
  32. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Emi Gal that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  33. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Emi Gal".
  34. If Emi Gal wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  35. Emi Gal became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  36. In an act of great philanthropy, Emi Gal made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  37. Emi Gal always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  38. If you Google search "Emi Gal getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  39. If you work in an office with Emi Gal, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  40. Emi Gal can speak braille.
  41. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Emi Gal turned that wine into beer.
  42. Emi Gal can tie his shoes with his feet.
  43. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Emi Gal a giant meteor.
  44. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Emi Gal is looking for it.
  45. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Emi Gal". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Emi Gal.
  46. Love does hurts. But not as much as Emi Gal.
  47. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Emi Gal was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  48. Emi Gal can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  49. Emi Gal can kill two stones with one bird.
  50. No matter what your mother always said, Emi Gal can tune a fish.
  51. Little known medical fact: Emi Gal invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  52. Emi Gal does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Emi Gal goes killing.
  53. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Emi Gal can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  54. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Emi Gal."
  55. Most people fear the Reaper. Emi Gal considers him "a promising Rookie".
  56. On his birthday, Emi Gal randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  57. Fifty years ago, Emi Gal accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  58. Emi Gal died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  59. Emi Gal can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  60. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Emi Gal bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  61. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Emi Gal jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  62. People created the automobile to escape from Emi Gal...Not to be outdone, Emi Gal created the automobile accident.
  63. Not everyone that Emi Gal is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  64. Emi Gal can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  65. Emi Gal counted to infinity - twice.
  66. Only Emi Gal can prevent forest fires.
  67. Emi Gal doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  68. Q: How many Emi Gal's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Emi Gal prefers to kill in the dark.
  69. Emi Gal does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  70. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Emi Gal beats all 3 at the same time.
  71. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Emi Gal
  72. Emi Gal is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  73. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Emi Gal with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Emi Gal cannot be in two places at the same time.
  74. Emi Gal sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  75. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Emi Gal pajamas.
  76. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Emi Gal didn't kill you in your sleep.
  77. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Emi Gal asks for a body bag.
  78. The Bible was originally titled "Emi Gal and Friends"
  79. Simply by pulling on both ends, Emi Gal can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  80. Emi Gal is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  81. Emi Gal irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  82. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Emi Gal punched himself in the face.
  83. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Emi Gal come off without a hitch.
  84. Emi Gal's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  85. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Emi Gal gets too hot.
  86. The crossing lights in Emi Gal's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Emi Gal punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  87. The chief export of Emi Gal is Pain.
  88. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Emi Gal out. It failed miserably.
  89. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Emi Gal 3. Cancer.
  90. Emi Gal was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  91. Emi Gal has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  92. The only time Emi Gal was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  93. The easiest way to determine Emi Gal's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Emi Gal.
  94. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Emi Gal. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  95. The First rule of Emi Gal is: you do not talk about Emi Gal.
  96. Emi Gal invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  97. Emi Gal was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  98. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Emi Gal goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  99. Circles exist because Emi Gal beat the crap out of some squares.
  100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Emi Gal. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.