Top 100 Facts About Electronic Vagrant

  1. Electronic Vagrant is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  2. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Electronic Vagrant is worth 1 billion words.
  3. Electronic Vagrant used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  4. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Electronic Vagrant that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  5. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Electronic Vagrant"
  6. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Electronic Vagrant."
  7. Electronic Vagrant is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  8. Electronic Vagrant's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Electronic Vagrant will not take crap from anyone.
  9. Electronic Vagrant was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  10. A man once claimed Electronic Vagrant kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  11. Electronic Vagrant was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  12. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Electronic Vagrant".
  13. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Electronic Vagrant to go around.
  14. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Electronic Vagrant while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  15. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Electronic Vagrant and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  16. For Electronic Vagrant, every street is "one way". His way.
  17. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Electronic Vagrant is on.
  18. Circles exist because Electronic Vagrant beat the crap out of some squares.
  19. Electronic Vagrant became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  20. Along with his black belt, Electronic Vagrant often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  21. For undercover police work, Electronic Vagrant pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  22. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Electronic Vagrant, 3. Cancer
  23. Electronic Vagrant always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  24. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Electronic Vagrant … dies.
  25. Electronic Vagrant and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  26. If Electronic Vagrant wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  27. If Electronic Vagrant wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  28. Google won't search for Electronic Vagrant because it knows you don't find Electronic Vagrant, he finds you.
  29. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Electronic Vagrant.
  30. Electronic Vagrant can kill two stones with one bird.
  31. Electronic Vagrant can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  32. Electronic Vagrant can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  33. If you ask Electronic Vagrant what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  34. Electronic Vagrant can speak braille.
  35. In an act of great philanthropy, Electronic Vagrant made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  36. Electronic Vagrant counted to infinity - twice.
  37. Electronic Vagrant does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Electronic Vagrant goes killing.
  38. Electronic Vagrant doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  39. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Electronic Vagrant would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  40. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Electronic Vagrant a giant meteor.
  41. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Electronic Vagrant turned that wine into beer.
  42. Electronic Vagrant can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  43. In an emergency, Electronic Vagrant can be used as a floatation device.
  44. Electronic Vagrant has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  45. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Electronic Vagrant is looking for it.
  46. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Electronic Vagrant can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  47. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Electronic Vagrant.
  48. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Electronic Vagrant."
  49. Electronic Vagrant died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  50. James Cameron wanted Electronic Vagrant to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  51. Electronic Vagrant is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  52. Electronic Vagrant does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  53. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Electronic Vagrant jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  54. Electronic Vagrant can tie his shoes with his feet.
  55. Electronic Vagrant irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  56. On a high school math test, Electronic Vagrant put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Electronic Vagrant solves all his problems with Violence.
  57. Electronic Vagrant is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  58. Only Electronic Vagrant can prevent forest fires.
  59. Fifty years ago, Electronic Vagrant accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  60. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Electronic Vagrant.
  61. Once a cobra bit Electronic Vagrant's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  62. Electronic Vagrant was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  63. Electronic Vagrant is the only one who can "try this at home."
  64. Electronic Vagrant sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  65. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Electronic Vagrant bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  66. Electronic Vagrant's blood type is WD-40.
  67. Q: How many Electronic Vagrant's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Electronic Vagrant prefers to kill in the dark.
  68. Electronic Vagrant's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  69. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Electronic Vagrant.
  70. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Electronic Vagrant will beat his ass and take it.
  71. Police label anyone attacking Electronic Vagrant as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  72. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Electronic Vagrant pajamas.
  73. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Electronic Vagrant with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Electronic Vagrant cannot be in two places at the same time.
  74. Electronic Vagrant was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  75. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Electronic Vagrant's house one Christmas.
  76. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Electronic Vagrant's first visit to Tokyo.
  77. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Electronic Vagrant didn't kill you in your sleep.
  78. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Electronic Vagrant gets too hot.
  79. Electronic Vagrant invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  80. The crossing lights in Electronic Vagrant's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Electronic Vagrant punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  81. Crop circles are Electronic Vagrant's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  82. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Electronic Vagrant glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  83. If you spell Electronic Vagrant in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  84. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Electronic Vagrant always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  85. The easiest way to determine Electronic Vagrant's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Electronic Vagrant.
  86. Electronic Vagrant's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Electronic Vagrant.
  87. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Electronic Vagrant.
  88. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Electronic Vagrant has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  89. If you Google search "Electronic Vagrant getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  90. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Electronic Vagrant goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  91. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Electronic Vagrant 3. Cancer.
  92. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Electronic Vagrant.
  93. The last man who made eye contact with Electronic Vagrant was Ray Charles.
  94. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Electronic Vagrant could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  95. If you work in an office with Electronic Vagrant, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  96. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Electronic Vagrant.
  97. The only time Electronic Vagrant was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  98. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Electronic Vagrant". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Electronic Vagrant.
  99. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Electronic Vagrant. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  100. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Electronic Vagrant smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.