Top 100 Facts About Dan Vamanu

  1. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Dan Vamanu, 3. Cancer
  2. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Dan Vamanu is worth 1 billion words.
  3. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Dan Vamanu"
  4. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Dan Vamanu."
  5. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Dan Vamanu".
  6. Dan Vamanu is the only one who can "try this at home."
  7. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Dan Vamanu and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  8. Dan Vamanu sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  9. Dan Vamanu's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Dan Vamanu will not take crap from anyone.
  10. Dan Vamanu's blood type is WD-40.
  11. Dan Vamanu was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  12. Dan Vamanu was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  13. A man once claimed Dan Vamanu kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  14. Dan Vamanu's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  15. Dan Vamanu was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  16. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Dan Vamanu.
  17. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Dan Vamanu to go around.
  18. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Dan Vamanu.
  19. Along with his black belt, Dan Vamanu often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  20. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Dan Vamanu that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  21. For undercover police work, Dan Vamanu pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  22. Crop circles are Dan Vamanu's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
  23. Dan Vamanu and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  24. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Dan Vamanu will beat his ass and take it.
  25. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Dan Vamanu.
  26. If Dan Vamanu wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  27. Dan Vamanu became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  28. For Dan Vamanu, every street is "one way". His way.
  29. If Dan Vamanu wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  30. If you work in an office with Dan Vamanu, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  31. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Dan Vamanu is on.
  32. If you ask Dan Vamanu what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  33. Dan Vamanu can kill two stones with one bird.
  34. Dan Vamanu can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  35. Dan Vamanu counted to infinity - twice.
  36. Dan Vamanu died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  37. Dan Vamanu does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  38. If you spell Dan Vamanu in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  39. Dan Vamanu always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  40. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Dan Vamanu.
  41. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Dan Vamanu a giant meteor.
  42. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Dan Vamanu". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Dan Vamanu.
  43. In an emergency, Dan Vamanu can be used as a floatation device.
  44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Dan Vamanu could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  45. Dan Vamanu can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  46. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Dan Vamanu smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  47. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Dan Vamanu turned that wine into beer.
  48. Most people fear the Reaper. Dan Vamanu considers him "a promising Rookie".
  49. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Dan Vamanu is looking for it.
  50. Dan Vamanu does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Dan Vamanu goes killing.
  51. Dan Vamanu can tie his shoes with his feet.
  52. Dan Vamanu can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  53. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Dan Vamanu jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  54. Little known medical fact: Dan Vamanu invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  55. Dan Vamanu has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  56. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Dan Vamanu roundhouse kick.
  57. Once a cobra bit Dan Vamanu's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  58. Fifty years ago, Dan Vamanu accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  59. Dan Vamanu invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  60. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Dan Vamanu."
  61. Only Dan Vamanu can prevent forest fires.
  62. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Dan Vamanu
  63. Dan Vamanu can speak braille.
  64. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Dan Vamanu bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  65. Dan Vamanu is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  66. Dan Vamanu is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  67. Dan Vamanu was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  68. Dan Vamanu's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Dan Vamanu.
  69. Circles exist because Dan Vamanu beat the crap out of some squares.
  70. People created the automobile to escape from Dan Vamanu...Not to be outdone, Dan Vamanu created the automobile accident.
  71. Dan Vamanu doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  72. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Dan Vamanu *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  73. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Dan Vamanu pajamas.
  74. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Dan Vamanu asks for a body bag.
  75. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Dan Vamanu's house one Christmas.
  76. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Dan Vamanu fight.
  77. Dan Vamanu irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  78. Staring at Dan Vamanu for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  79. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Dan Vamanu with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Dan Vamanu cannot be in two places at the same time.
  80. The chief export of Dan Vamanu is Pain.
  81. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Dan Vamanu didn't kill you in your sleep.
  82. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Dan Vamanu while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  83. Dan Vamanu used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  84. Dan Vamanu is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  85. The easiest way to determine Dan Vamanu's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Dan Vamanu.
  86. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Dan Vamanu come off without a hitch.
  87. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Dan Vamanu's first visit to Tokyo.
  88. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Dan Vamanu was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  89. The last man who made eye contact with Dan Vamanu was Ray Charles.
  90. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Dan Vamanu 3. Cancer.
  91. Google won't search for Dan Vamanu because it knows you don't find Dan Vamanu, he finds you.
  92. The crossing lights in Dan Vamanu's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Dan Vamanu punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  93. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Dan Vamanu goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  94. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Dan Vamanu.
  95. Dan Vamanu is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  96. The only time Dan Vamanu was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  97. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Dan Vamanu.
  98. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Dan Vamanu … dies.
  99. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Dan Vamanu was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  100. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Dan Vamanu needs toothpicks.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.