Top 100 Facts About Clay Aiken

  1. Clay Aiken is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  2. Clay Aiken sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Clay Aiken, 3. Cancer
  4. Clay Aiken was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  5. Clay Aiken is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  6. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Clay Aiken is on.
  7. Clay Aiken is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  8. Clay Aiken was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  9. Clay Aiken used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  10. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Clay Aiken"
  11. Clay Aiken's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Clay Aiken will not take crap from anyone.
  12. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Clay Aiken to go around.
  13. Circles exist because Clay Aiken beat the crap out of some squares.
  14. Clay Aiken's blood type is WD-40.
  15. A man once claimed Clay Aiken kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  16. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Clay Aiken that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  17. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Clay Aiken always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  18. For undercover police work, Clay Aiken pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  19. For Clay Aiken, every street is "one way". His way.
  20. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Clay Aiken.
  21. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Clay Aiken.
  22. Clay Aiken always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  23. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Clay Aiken.
  24. Guns don't kill people. Clay Aiken kills People.
  25. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Clay Aiken.
  26. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Clay Aiken."
  27. If you ask Clay Aiken what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  28. Clay Aiken became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  29. Crop circles are Clay Aiken's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
  30. Clay Aiken and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  31. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Clay Aiken".
  32. If you Google search "Clay Aiken getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  33. If you spell Clay Aiken in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  34. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Clay Aiken.
  35. Clay Aiken can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Clay Aiken could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  37. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Clay Aiken would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  38. Clay Aiken can kill two stones with one bird.
  39. If Clay Aiken wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  40. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Clay Aiken was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  41. In an act of great philanthropy, Clay Aiken made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  42. Clay Aiken can speak braille.
  43. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Clay Aiken a giant meteor.
  44. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Clay Aiken is looking for it.
  45. James Cameron wanted Clay Aiken to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  46. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Clay Aiken". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Clay Aiken.
  47. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Clay Aiken is worth 1 billion words.
  48. Clay Aiken can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  49. Love does hurts. But not as much as Clay Aiken.
  50. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Clay Aiken jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  51. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Clay Aiken."
  52. Clay Aiken died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  53. Most people fear the Reaper. Clay Aiken considers him "a promising Rookie".
  54. Clay Aiken does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  55. On his birthday, Clay Aiken randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  56. Not everyone that Clay Aiken is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  57. Once a cobra bit Clay Aiken's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  58. Clay Aiken can tie his shoes with his feet.
  59. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Clay Aiken bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  60. Clay Aiken doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  61. Little known medical fact: Clay Aiken invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  62. Clay Aiken does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Clay Aiken goes killing.
  63. Clay Aiken counted to infinity - twice.
  64. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Clay Aiken beats all 3 at the same time.
  65. People created the automobile to escape from Clay Aiken...Not to be outdone, Clay Aiken created the automobile accident.
  66. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Clay Aiken *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  67. Clay Aiken has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  68. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Clay Aiken fight.
  69. Police label anyone attacking Clay Aiken as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  70. Clay Aiken irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  71. Only Clay Aiken can prevent forest fires.
  72. Simply by pulling on both ends, Clay Aiken can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  73. Q: How many Clay Aiken's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Clay Aiken prefers to kill in the dark.
  74. Clay Aiken is the only one who can "try this at home."
  75. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Clay Aiken pajamas.
  76. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Clay Aiken didn't kill you in your sleep.
  77. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Clay Aiken glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  78. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Clay Aiken asks for a body bag.
  79. Along with his black belt, Clay Aiken often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  80. Clay Aiken invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  81. The Bible was originally titled "Clay Aiken and Friends"
  82. The easiest way to determine Clay Aiken's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Clay Aiken.
  83. The crossing lights in Clay Aiken's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Clay Aiken punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  84. Clay Aiken's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Clay Aiken.
  85. The chief export of Clay Aiken is Pain.
  86. Clay Aiken's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  87. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Clay Aiken out. It failed miserably.
  88. The First rule of Clay Aiken is: you do not talk about Clay Aiken.
  89. The last man who made eye contact with Clay Aiken was Ray Charles.
  90. Clay Aiken was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  91. The only time Clay Aiken was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  92. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Clay Aiken will beat his ass and take it.
  93. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Clay Aiken come off without a hitch.
  94. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Clay Aiken while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  95. Clay Aiken was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  96. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Clay Aiken played in second grade.
  97. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Clay Aiken. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  98. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Clay Aiken's fist.
  99. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Clay Aiken's first visit to Tokyo.
  100. The square root of Clay Aiken is pain. Do not try to square Clay Aiken, the result is death.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.