Top 100 Facts About Clay Aiken

  1. Clay Aiken is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  2. Clay Aiken sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Clay Aiken, 3. Cancer
  4. Clay Aiken was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  5. Clay Aiken is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  6. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Clay Aiken is on.
  7. Clay Aiken is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  8. Clay Aiken's blood type is WD-40.
  9. Clay Aiken used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  10. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Clay Aiken"
  11. Clay Aiken's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  12. Crop circles are Clay Aiken's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  13. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Clay Aiken while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  14. Clay Aiken's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Clay Aiken.
  15. A man once claimed Clay Aiken kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  16. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Clay Aiken that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  17. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Clay Aiken.
  18. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Clay Aiken will beat his ass and take it.
  19. For undercover police work, Clay Aiken pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  20. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Clay Aiken.
  21. For Clay Aiken, every street is "one way". His way.
  22. Clay Aiken always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  23. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Clay Aiken.
  24. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Clay Aiken … dies.
  25. If Clay Aiken wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  26. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Clay Aiken."
  27. If you Google search "Clay Aiken getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  28. Clay Aiken became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  29. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Clay Aiken always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  30. Clay Aiken and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  31. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Clay Aiken".
  32. If you spell Clay Aiken in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  33. If you work in an office with Clay Aiken, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  34. In an act of great philanthropy, Clay Aiken made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  35. Clay Aiken can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  36. In an emergency, Clay Aiken can be used as a floatation device.
  37. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Clay Aiken.
  38. Clay Aiken can kill two stones with one bird.
  39. If you ask Clay Aiken what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  40. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Clay Aiken". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Clay Aiken.
  41. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Clay Aiken could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  42. Clay Aiken can speak braille.
  43. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Clay Aiken smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  44. Little known medical fact: Clay Aiken invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  45. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Clay Aiken can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  46. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Clay Aiken needs toothpicks.
  47. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Clay Aiken is worth 1 billion words.
  48. Clay Aiken can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  49. Most people fear the Reaper. Clay Aiken considers him "a promising Rookie".
  50. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Clay Aiken roundhouse kick.
  51. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Clay Aiken jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  52. Clay Aiken died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  53. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Clay Aiken."
  54. Clay Aiken does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  55. Once a cobra bit Clay Aiken's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  56. On a high school math test, Clay Aiken put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Clay Aiken solves all his problems with Violence.
  57. Fifty years ago, Clay Aiken accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  58. Clay Aiken can tie his shoes with his feet.
  59. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Clay Aiken beats all 3 at the same time.
  60. Clay Aiken doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  61. Love does hurts. But not as much as Clay Aiken.
  62. Clay Aiken does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Clay Aiken goes killing.
  63. Clay Aiken counted to infinity - twice.
  64. People created the automobile to escape from Clay Aiken...Not to be outdone, Clay Aiken created the automobile accident.
  65. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Clay Aiken
  66. Q: How many Clay Aiken's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Clay Aiken prefers to kill in the dark.
  67. Clay Aiken has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  68. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Clay Aiken's house one Christmas.
  69. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Clay Aiken *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  70. Clay Aiken irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  71. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Clay Aiken bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  72. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Clay Aiken asks for a body bag.
  73. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Clay Aiken fight.
  74. Clay Aiken is the only one who can "try this at home."
  75. Staring at Clay Aiken for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  76. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Clay Aiken come off without a hitch.
  77. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Clay Aiken gets too hot.
  78. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Clay Aiken likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  79. Along with his black belt, Clay Aiken often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  80. Clay Aiken invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  81. The chief export of Clay Aiken is Pain.
  82. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Clay Aiken was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  83. The easiest way to determine Clay Aiken's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Clay Aiken.
  84. Clay Aiken's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Clay Aiken will not take crap from anyone.
  85. The crossing lights in Clay Aiken's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Clay Aiken punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  86. Circles exist because Clay Aiken beat the crap out of some squares.
  87. The last man who made eye contact with Clay Aiken was Ray Charles.
  88. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Clay Aiken has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  89. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Clay Aiken 3. Cancer.
  90. Clay Aiken was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  91. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Clay Aiken played in second grade.
  92. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Clay Aiken's first visit to Tokyo.
  93. The Bible was originally titled "Clay Aiken and Friends"
  94. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Clay Aiken to go around.
  95. Clay Aiken was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  96. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Clay Aiken. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  97. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Clay Aiken.
  98. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Clay Aiken. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  99. Google won't search for Clay Aiken because it knows you don't find Clay Aiken, he finds you.
  100. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Clay Aiken

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.