Top 100 Facts About Chuck Norris

  1. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
  2. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  3. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  4. Chuck Norris used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  5. Chuck Norris sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  6. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
  7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  8. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
  9. Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
  10. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  11. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
  12. Chuck Norris's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Chuck Norris will not take crap from anyone.
  13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  14. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
  15. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".
  16. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  17. Chuck Norris's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  18. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  19. A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  20. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  21. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  22. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
  23. Chuck Norris became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  24. If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  25. Chuck Norris always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  26. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  27. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  28. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  29. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
  30. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  31. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  32. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  33. Chuck Norris can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  34. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
  35. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  37. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck Norris made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  38. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  39. If Chuck Norris wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  40. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  41. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
  42. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
  43. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
  44. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
  45. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  46. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
  47. Chuck Norris does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  48. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
  49. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  50. Love does hurts. But not as much as Chuck Norris.
  51. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
  52. Chuck Norris can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  53. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  54. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  55. Chuck Norris invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  56. Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
  57. Chuck Norris doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  58. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  59. People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
  60. Chuck Norris has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  61. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
  62. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  63. Chuck Norris is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  64. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
  65. Chuck Norris is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  66. Chuck Norris's blood type is WD-40.
  67. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  68. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
  69. Q: How many Chuck Norris's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
  70. Chuck Norris irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  71. Fifty years ago, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  72. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  73. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  74. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  75. Chuck Norris was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  76. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  77. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
  78. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
  79. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
  80. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
  81. Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  82. The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
  83. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  84. Chuck Norris is the only one who can "try this at home."
  85. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  86. For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". His way.
  87. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris's first visit to Tokyo.
  88. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  89. For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  90. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  91. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  92. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
  93. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  94. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  95. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Chuck Norris.
  96. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  97. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
  98. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
  99. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
  100. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.