Top 100 Facts About Catalin Nicolescu

  1. Catalin Nicolescu is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  2. Catalin Nicolescu is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  3. Catalin Nicolescu is the only one who can "try this at home."
  4. Catalin Nicolescu used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  5. Catalin Nicolescu was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  6. Catalin Nicolescu invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  7. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Catalin Nicolescu is on.
  8. Catalin Nicolescu was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  9. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Catalin Nicolescu, 3. Cancer
  10. Catalin Nicolescu was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  11. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Catalin Nicolescu while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  12. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Catalin Nicolescu to go around.
  13. Catalin Nicolescu's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Catalin Nicolescu.
  14. Catalin Nicolescu is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  15. Catalin Nicolescu's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Catalin Nicolescu will not take crap from anyone.
  16. Crop circles are Catalin Nicolescu's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
  17. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Catalin Nicolescu"
  18. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Catalin Nicolescu that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  19. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Catalin Nicolescu".
  20. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Catalin Nicolescu is worth 1 billion words.
  21. Along with his black belt, Catalin Nicolescu often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  22. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Catalin Nicolescu.
  23. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Catalin Nicolescu and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  24. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Catalin Nicolescu's first visit to Tokyo.
  25. A man once claimed Catalin Nicolescu kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  26. Catalin Nicolescu can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  27. If you ask Catalin Nicolescu what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  28. Catalin Nicolescu and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  29. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Catalin Nicolescu.
  30. Catalin Nicolescu can kill two stones with one bird.
  31. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Catalin Nicolescu."
  32. If Catalin Nicolescu wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  33. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Catalin Nicolescu would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  34. If you spell Catalin Nicolescu in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  35. If you work in an office with Catalin Nicolescu, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  36. In an act of great philanthropy, Catalin Nicolescu made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  37. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Catalin Nicolescu could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  38. Guns don't kill people. Catalin Nicolescu kills People.
  39. Catalin Nicolescu can speak braille.
  40. In an emergency, Catalin Nicolescu can be used as a floatation device.
  41. Catalin Nicolescu can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  42. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Catalin Nicolescu turned that wine into beer.
  43. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Catalin Nicolescu can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  44. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Catalin Nicolescu is looking for it.
  45. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Catalin Nicolescu needs toothpicks.
  46. If you Google search "Catalin Nicolescu getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  47. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Catalin Nicolescu a giant meteor.
  48. Little known medical fact: Catalin Nicolescu invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  49. Catalin Nicolescu counted to infinity - twice.
  50. Catalin Nicolescu can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  51. Catalin Nicolescu does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  52. Catalin Nicolescu became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  53. Catalin Nicolescu can tie his shoes with his feet.
  54. On his birthday, Catalin Nicolescu randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  55. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Catalin Nicolescu.
  56. No matter what your mother always said, Catalin Nicolescu can tune a fish.
  57. Catalin Nicolescu always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  58. Catalin Nicolescu is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  59. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Catalin Nicolescu bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  60. Catalin Nicolescu has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  61. Once a cobra bit Catalin Nicolescu's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  62. Catalin Nicolescu was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  63. Catalin Nicolescu died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  64. Fifty years ago, Catalin Nicolescu accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  65. Police label anyone attacking Catalin Nicolescu as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  66. People created the automobile to escape from Catalin Nicolescu...Not to be outdone, Catalin Nicolescu created the automobile accident.
  67. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Catalin Nicolescu
  68. Q: How many Catalin Nicolescu's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Catalin Nicolescu prefers to kill in the dark.
  69. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Catalin Nicolescu fight.
  70. Not everyone that Catalin Nicolescu is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  71. Catalin Nicolescu's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  72. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Catalin Nicolescu's house one Christmas.
  73. Catalin Nicolescu sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  74. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Catalin Nicolescu with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Catalin Nicolescu cannot be in two places at the same time.
  75. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Catalin Nicolescu gets too hot.
  76. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Catalin Nicolescu didn't kill you in your sleep.
  77. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Catalin Nicolescu likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  78. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Catalin Nicolescu beats all 3 at the same time.
  79. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Catalin Nicolescu pajamas.
  80. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Catalin Nicolescu come off without a hitch.
  81. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Catalin Nicolescu always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  82. Catalin Nicolescu's blood type is WD-40.
  83. For Catalin Nicolescu, every street is "one way". His way.
  84. Catalin Nicolescu irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  85. Circles exist because Catalin Nicolescu beat the crap out of some squares.
  86. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Catalin Nicolescu out. It failed miserably.
  87. Catalin Nicolescu does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Catalin Nicolescu goes killing.
  88. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Catalin Nicolescu punched himself in the face.
  89. Catalin Nicolescu doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  90. If Catalin Nicolescu wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  91. The only time Catalin Nicolescu was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  92. Google won't search for Catalin Nicolescu because it knows you don't find Catalin Nicolescu, he finds you.
  93. The last man who made eye contact with Catalin Nicolescu was Ray Charles.
  94. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Catalin Nicolescu was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  95. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Catalin Nicolescu.
  96. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Catalin Nicolescu 3. Cancer.
  97. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Catalin Nicolescu in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  98. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Catalin Nicolescu. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  99. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Catalin Nicolescu.
  100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Catalin Nicolescu. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.