Top 100 Facts About Catalin Nicolescu

  1. Catalin Nicolescu is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  2. Catalin Nicolescu is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  3. Catalin Nicolescu is the only one who can "try this at home."
  4. Catalin Nicolescu used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  5. Catalin Nicolescu was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  6. Catalin Nicolescu invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  7. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Catalin Nicolescu is on.
  8. Catalin Nicolescu was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  9. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Catalin Nicolescu, 3. Cancer
  10. Catalin Nicolescu was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  11. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Catalin Nicolescu to go around.
  12. Crop circles are Catalin Nicolescu's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  13. Catalin Nicolescu's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Catalin Nicolescu will not take crap from anyone.
  14. Catalin Nicolescu is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  15. Catalin Nicolescu's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  16. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Catalin Nicolescu always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  17. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Catalin Nicolescu"
  18. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Catalin Nicolescu that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  19. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Catalin Nicolescu".
  20. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Catalin Nicolescu is worth 1 billion words.
  21. Along with his black belt, Catalin Nicolescu often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  22. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Catalin Nicolescu.
  23. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Catalin Nicolescu and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  24. Google won't search for Catalin Nicolescu because it knows you don't find Catalin Nicolescu, he finds you.
  25. A man once claimed Catalin Nicolescu kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  26. Catalin Nicolescu can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  27. If you Google search "Catalin Nicolescu getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  28. Catalin Nicolescu and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  29. If Catalin Nicolescu wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  30. Catalin Nicolescu can kill two stones with one bird.
  31. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Catalin Nicolescu."
  32. If Catalin Nicolescu wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  33. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Catalin Nicolescu.
  34. If you work in an office with Catalin Nicolescu, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  35. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Catalin Nicolescu would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Catalin Nicolescu could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  37. In an emergency, Catalin Nicolescu can be used as a floatation device.
  38. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Catalin Nicolescu … dies.
  39. Catalin Nicolescu can speak braille.
  40. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Catalin Nicolescu turned that wine into beer.
  41. Catalin Nicolescu can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  42. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Catalin Nicolescu was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  43. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Catalin Nicolescu is looking for it.
  44. Little known medical fact: Catalin Nicolescu invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  45. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Catalin Nicolescu a giant meteor.
  46. If you spell Catalin Nicolescu in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  47. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Catalin Nicolescu smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  48. Love does hurts. But not as much as Catalin Nicolescu.
  49. Catalin Nicolescu counted to infinity - twice.
  50. Catalin Nicolescu can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  51. Catalin Nicolescu does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  52. Catalin Nicolescu became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  53. Catalin Nicolescu can tie his shoes with his feet.
  54. Once a cobra bit Catalin Nicolescu's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  55. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Catalin Nicolescu.
  56. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Catalin Nicolescu.
  57. Catalin Nicolescu always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  58. Catalin Nicolescu is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  59. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Catalin Nicolescu beats all 3 at the same time.
  60. Catalin Nicolescu has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  61. Fifty years ago, Catalin Nicolescu accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  62. Catalin Nicolescu's blood type is WD-40.
  63. Catalin Nicolescu died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  64. Only Catalin Nicolescu can prevent forest fires.
  65. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Catalin Nicolescu *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  66. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Catalin Nicolescu
  67. Police label anyone attacking Catalin Nicolescu as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  68. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Catalin Nicolescu fight.
  69. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Catalin Nicolescu's house one Christmas.
  70. On a high school math test, Catalin Nicolescu put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Catalin Nicolescu solves all his problems with Violence.
  71. Circles exist because Catalin Nicolescu beat the crap out of some squares.
  72. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Catalin Nicolescu with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Catalin Nicolescu cannot be in two places at the same time.
  73. Catalin Nicolescu sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  74. Simply by pulling on both ends, Catalin Nicolescu can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  75. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Catalin Nicolescu didn't kill you in your sleep.
  76. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Catalin Nicolescu come off without a hitch.
  77. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Catalin Nicolescu pajamas.
  78. People created the automobile to escape from Catalin Nicolescu...Not to be outdone, Catalin Nicolescu created the automobile accident.
  79. Staring at Catalin Nicolescu for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  80. The Bible was originally titled "Catalin Nicolescu and Friends"
  81. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Catalin Nicolescu.
  82. Catalin Nicolescu's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Catalin Nicolescu.
  83. For undercover police work, Catalin Nicolescu pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  84. Catalin Nicolescu irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  85. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Catalin Nicolescu while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  86. The last man who made eye contact with Catalin Nicolescu was Ray Charles.
  87. Catalin Nicolescu does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Catalin Nicolescu goes killing.
  88. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Catalin Nicolescu.
  89. Catalin Nicolescu doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  90. If you ask Catalin Nicolescu what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  91. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Catalin Nicolescu played in second grade.
  92. Guns don't kill people. Catalin Nicolescu kills people.
  93. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Catalin Nicolescu 3. Cancer.
  94. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Catalin Nicolescu". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Catalin Nicolescu.
  95. For Catalin Nicolescu, every street is "one way". His way.
  96. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Catalin Nicolescu goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  97. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Catalin Nicolescu's fist.
  98. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Catalin Nicolescu.
  99. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Catalin Nicolescu in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  100. The square root of Catalin Nicolescu is pain. Do not try to square Catalin Nicolescu, the result is death.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.