Top 100 Facts About Bill Gates

  1. A man once claimed Bill Gates kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  2. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Bill Gates is on.
  3. Bill Gates was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  4. Bill Gates is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  5. Bill Gates was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  6. Bill Gates is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  7. Bill Gates was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  8. Bill Gates's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  9. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Bill Gates while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  10. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Bill Gates and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  11. Circles exist because Bill Gates beat the crap out of some squares.
  12. Bill Gates's blood type is WD-40.
  13. Crop circles are Bill Gates's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  14. Bill Gates is the only one who can "try this at home."
  15. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Bill Gates is worth 1 billion words.
  16. For Bill Gates, every street is "one way". His way.
  17. Bill Gates used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  18. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Bill Gates will beat his ass and take it.
  19. Guns don't kill people. Bill Gates kills people.
  20. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Bill Gates."
  21. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Bill Gates.
  22. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Bill Gates to go around.
  23. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Bill Gates.
  24. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Bill Gates, 3. Cancer
  25. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Bill Gates".
  26. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Bill Gates"
  27. For undercover police work, Bill Gates pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  28. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Bill Gates that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  29. If you work in an office with Bill Gates, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  30. If you Google search "Bill Gates getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  31. Bill Gates can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  32. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Bill Gates.
  33. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Bill Gates.
  34. Bill Gates can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  35. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Bill Gates was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  36. If Bill Gates wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  37. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Bill Gates turned that wine into beer.
  38. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Bill Gates would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  39. In an emergency, Bill Gates can be used as a floatation device.
  40. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Bill Gates smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  41. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Bill Gates can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  42. Along with his black belt, Bill Gates often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  43. James Cameron wanted Bill Gates to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  44. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Bill Gates". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Bill Gates.
  45. Little known medical fact: Bill Gates invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  46. If you spell Bill Gates in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  47. Bill Gates always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  48. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Bill Gates."
  49. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Bill Gates could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  50. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Bill Gates roundhouse kick.
  51. Not everyone that Bill Gates is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  52. Bill Gates can speak braille.
  53. On his birthday, Bill Gates randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  54. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Bill Gates is looking for it.
  55. Once a cobra bit Bill Gates's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  56. Bill Gates and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  57. Bill Gates can tie his shoes with his feet.
  58. Bill Gates can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  59. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Bill Gates jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  60. Bill Gates became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  61. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Bill Gates
  62. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Bill Gates beats all 3 at the same time.
  63. Bill Gates doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  64. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Bill Gates *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  65. Bill Gates counted to infinity - twice.
  66. Bill Gates has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  67. Simply by pulling on both ends, Bill Gates can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  68. Only Bill Gates can prevent forest fires.
  69. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Bill Gates with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Bill Gates cannot be in two places at the same time.
  70. Police label anyone attacking Bill Gates as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  71. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Bill Gates's house one Christmas.
  72. Staring at Bill Gates for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  73. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Bill Gates gets too hot.
  74. Bill Gates can kill two stones with one bird.
  75. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Bill Gates glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  76. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Bill Gates asks for a body bag.
  77. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Bill Gates come off without a hitch.
  78. People created the automobile to escape from Bill Gates...Not to be outdone, Bill Gates created the automobile accident.
  79. Bill Gates died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  80. The crossing lights in Bill Gates's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Bill Gates punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  81. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Bill Gates fight.
  82. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Bill Gates was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  83. The First rule of Bill Gates is: you do not talk about Bill Gates.
  84. Bill Gates is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  85. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Bill Gates out. It failed miserably.
  86. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Bill Gates didn't kill you in your sleep.
  87. The last man who made eye contact with Bill Gates was Ray Charles.
  88. Bill Gates does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  89. Bill Gates is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  90. Bill Gates irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  91. The easiest way to determine Bill Gates's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Bill Gates.
  92. Bill Gates does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Bill Gates goes killing.
  93. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Bill Gates.
  94. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Bill Gates played in second grade.
  95. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Bill Gates.
  96. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Bill Gates's fist.
  97. Bill Gates sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  98. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Bill Gates's first visit to Tokyo.
  99. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Bill Gates killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
  100. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Bill Gates goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

This article was brought to you by and Tom Chapin.
Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.