Top 100 Facts About Barack Obama

  1. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Barack Obama that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  2. Along with his black belt, Barack Obama often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Barack Obama and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  4. Barack Obama used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  5. Barack Obama is the only one who can "try this at home."
  6. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Barack Obama is worth 1 billion words.
  7. Barack Obama was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  8. Barack Obama's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  9. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Barack Obama"
  10. Barack Obama's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Barack Obama will not take crap from anyone.
  11. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Barack Obama.
  12. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Barack Obama while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  13. Crop circles are Barack Obama's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  14. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Barack Obama always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  15. A man once claimed Barack Obama kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  16. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Barack Obama."
  17. Barack Obama was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  18. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Barack Obama's first visit to Tokyo.
  19. For Barack Obama, every street is "one way". His way.
  20. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Barack Obama will beat his ass and take it.
  21. For undercover police work, Barack Obama pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  22. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Barack Obama to go around.
  23. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Barack Obama".
  24. Barack Obama's blood type is WD-40.
  25. Google won't search for Barack Obama because it knows you don't find Barack Obama, he finds you.
  26. Barack Obama can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  27. If Barack Obama wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  28. If you spell Barack Obama in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  29. If you Google search "Barack Obama getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  30. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Barack Obama is on.
  31. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Barack Obama.
  32. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Barack Obama would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  33. Barack Obama can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  34. Barack Obama can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  35. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Barack Obama, 3. Cancer
  36. In an act of great philanthropy, Barack Obama made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  37. If you ask Barack Obama what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  38. Barack Obama and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  39. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Barack Obama was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  40. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Barack Obama smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  41. Barack Obama can speak braille.
  42. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Barack Obama a giant meteor.
  43. Barack Obama died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  44. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Barack Obama can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  45. Little known medical fact: Barack Obama invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  46. Love does hurts. But not as much as Barack Obama.
  47. Barack Obama always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  48. Barack Obama can tie his shoes with his feet.
  49. In an emergency, Barack Obama can be used as a floatation device.
  50. No matter what your mother always said, Barack Obama can tune a fish.
  51. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Barack Obama."
  52. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Barack Obama roundhouse kick.
  53. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Barack Obama jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  54. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Barack Obama is looking for it.
  55. Barack Obama counted to infinity - twice.
  56. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Barack Obama". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Barack Obama.
  57. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Barack Obama.
  58. Barack Obama has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  59. Fifty years ago, Barack Obama accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  60. People created the automobile to escape from Barack Obama...Not to be outdone, Barack Obama created the automobile accident.
  61. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Barack Obama beats all 3 at the same time.
  62. Barack Obama can kill two stones with one bird.
  63. On his birthday, Barack Obama randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  64. Police label anyone attacking Barack Obama as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  65. Barack Obama invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  66. Barack Obama is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  67. Barack Obama became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  68. Q: How many Barack Obama's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Barack Obama prefers to kill in the dark.
  69. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Barack Obama bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  70. Barack Obama does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Barack Obama goes killing.
  71. Simply by pulling on both ends, Barack Obama can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  72. Staring at Barack Obama for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  73. Barack Obama is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  74. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Barack Obama pajamas.
  75. Barack Obama sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  76. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Barack Obama gets too hot.
  77. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Barack Obama come off without a hitch.
  78. The Bible was originally titled "Barack Obama and Friends"
  79. Barack Obama does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  80. Barack Obama is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  81. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Barack Obama's house one Christmas.
  82. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Barack Obama punched himself in the face.
  83. The crossing lights in Barack Obama's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Barack Obama punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  84. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Barack Obama was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  85. The easiest way to determine Barack Obama's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Barack Obama.
  86. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Barack Obama didn't kill you in your sleep.
  87. Barack Obama is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  88. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Barack Obama asks for a body bag.
  89. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Barack Obama.
  90. Circles exist because Barack Obama beat the crap out of some squares.
  91. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Barack Obama 3. Cancer.
  92. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Barack Obama. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  93. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Barack Obama played in second grade.
  94. Barack Obama irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  95. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Barack Obama out. It failed miserably.
  96. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Barack Obama in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  97. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Barack Obama.
  98. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Barack Obama … dies.
  99. Barack Obama doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Barack Obama. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.