Top 100 Facts About Barack Obama

  1. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Barack Obama that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  2. Along with his black belt, Barack Obama often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Barack Obama and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  4. Barack Obama used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  5. Barack Obama is the only one who can "try this at home."
  6. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Barack Obama is worth 1 billion words.
  7. Barack Obama's blood type is WD-40.
  8. Circles exist because Barack Obama beat the crap out of some squares.
  9. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Barack Obama"
  10. Barack Obama's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  11. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Barack Obama.
  12. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Barack Obama to go around.
  13. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Barack Obama always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  14. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Barack Obama.
  15. A man once claimed Barack Obama kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  16. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Barack Obama."
  17. Barack Obama was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  18. Google won't search for Barack Obama because it knows you don't find Barack Obama, he finds you.
  19. For undercover police work, Barack Obama pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  20. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Barack Obama's first visit to Tokyo.
  21. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Barack Obama will beat his ass and take it.
  22. Crop circles are Barack Obama's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  23. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Barack Obama".
  24. Barack Obama's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Barack Obama.
  25. Guns don't kill people. Barack Obama kills people.
  26. Barack Obama can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  27. If Barack Obama wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  28. If you work in an office with Barack Obama, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  29. If you spell Barack Obama in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  30. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Barack Obama is on.
  31. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Barack Obama.
  32. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Barack Obama.
  33. Barack Obama can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  34. Barack Obama can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  35. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Barack Obama, 3. Cancer
  36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Barack Obama could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  37. If you Google search "Barack Obama getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  38. Barack Obama and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  39. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Barack Obama". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Barack Obama.
  40. James Cameron wanted Barack Obama to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  41. Barack Obama can speak braille.
  42. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Barack Obama smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  43. Barack Obama died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  44. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Barack Obama is looking for it.
  45. Love does hurts. But not as much as Barack Obama.
  46. Most people fear the Reaper. Barack Obama considers him "a promising Rookie".
  47. Barack Obama always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  48. Barack Obama can tie his shoes with his feet.
  49. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Barack Obama turned that wine into beer.
  50. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Barack Obama.
  51. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Barack Obama jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  52. No matter what your mother always said, Barack Obama can tune a fish.
  53. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Barack Obama roundhouse kick.
  54. Little known medical fact: Barack Obama invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  55. Barack Obama counted to infinity - twice.
  56. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Barack Obama needs toothpicks.
  57. Not everyone that Barack Obama is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  58. Barack Obama has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  59. Only Barack Obama can prevent forest fires.
  60. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Barack Obama
  61. People created the automobile to escape from Barack Obama...Not to be outdone, Barack Obama created the automobile accident.
  62. Barack Obama can kill two stones with one bird.
  63. Once a cobra bit Barack Obama's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  64. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Barack Obama *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  65. Barack Obama invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  66. Barack Obama is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  67. Barack Obama became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  68. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Barack Obama fight.
  69. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Barack Obama beats all 3 at the same time.
  70. Barack Obama does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Barack Obama goes killing.
  71. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Barack Obama asks for a body bag.
  72. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Barack Obama glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  73. Barack Obama is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  74. Staring at Barack Obama for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  75. Barack Obama sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  76. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Barack Obama didn't kill you in your sleep.
  77. The Bible was originally titled "Barack Obama and Friends"
  78. The chief export of Barack Obama is Pain.
  79. Barack Obama does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  80. Barack Obama is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  81. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Barack Obama with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Barack Obama cannot be in two places at the same time.
  82. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Barack Obama.
  83. The easiest way to determine Barack Obama's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Barack Obama.
  84. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Barack Obama punched himself in the face.
  85. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Barack Obama was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  86. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Barack Obama come off without a hitch.
  87. Barack Obama is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  88. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Barack Obama likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  89. The First rule of Barack Obama is: you do not talk about Barack Obama.
  90. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Barack Obama while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  91. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Barack Obama goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  92. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Barack Obama.
  93. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Barack Obama. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  94. Barack Obama irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  95. The last man who made eye contact with Barack Obama was Ray Charles.
  96. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Barack Obama's fist.
  97. For Barack Obama, every street is "one way". His way.
  98. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Barack Obama.
  99. Barack Obama doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  100. The square root of Barack Obama is pain. Do not try to square Barack Obama, the result is death.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.