Top 100 Facts About Aumni

1. Aumni sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
2. Aumni is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
3. A man once claimed Aumni kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
4. Aumni is the only one who can "try this at home."
5. Along with his black belt, Aumni often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
6. Aumni was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
7. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Aumni, 3. Cancer
8. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Aumni is on.
9. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Aumni".
10. Aumni's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Aumni.
11. Aumni was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
12. Aumni's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Aumni will not take crap from anyone.
13. Aumni was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
14. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Aumni and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
15. Aumni was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
16. For Aumni, every street is "one way". His way.
17. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Aumni.
18. Aumni's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
19. Aumni and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
20. Guns don't kill people. Aumni kills People.
21. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Aumni that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
22. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Aumni will beat his ass and take it.
23. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Aumni"
24. Aumni can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
25. Aumni always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
26. If you ask Aumni what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
27. Aumni can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
28. If Aumni wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
29. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Aumni … dies.
30. Aumni can kill two stones with one bird.
31. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Aumni.
32. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Aumni.
33. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Aumni.
34. If you spell Aumni in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
35. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Aumni."
36. If you work in an office with Aumni, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
37. Aumni counted to infinity - twice.
38. In an emergency, Aumni can be used as a floatation device.
39. Aumni can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
40. Aumni can tie his shoes with his feet.
41. Aumni does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Aumni goes killing.
42. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Aumni needs toothpicks.
43. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Aumni could use to kill you, including the room itself.
44. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Aumni a giant meteor.
45. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Aumni turned that wine into beer.
46. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Aumni is worth 1 billion words.
47. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Aumni was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
48. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Aumni."
49. Aumni doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
50. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Aumni smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
51. Aumni invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
52. Not everyone that Aumni is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
53. Aumni can speak braille.
54. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Aumni roundhouse kick.
55. Aumni died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
56. Aumni is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
57. Aumni has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
58. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Aumni bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
59. Aumni used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
60. Fifty years ago, Aumni accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
61. On a high school math test, Aumni put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Aumni solves all his problems with Violence.
62. Aumni is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
63. On his birthday, Aumni randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
64. Once a cobra bit Aumni's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
65. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Aumni *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
66. People created the automobile to escape from Aumni...Not to be outdone, Aumni created the automobile accident.
67. Aumni does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
68. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Aumni
69. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Aumni while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
70. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Aumni's house one Christmas.
71. Aumni is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
72. Circles exist because Aumni beat the crap out of some squares.
73. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Aumni always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
74. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Aumni likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
75. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Aumni fight.
76. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Aumni pajamas.
77. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Aumni with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Aumni cannot be in two places at the same time.
78. Aumni became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
79. Simply by pulling on both ends, Aumni can stretch diamonds back into coal.
80. The crossing lights in Aumni's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Aumni punching or kicking a pedestrian.
81. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Aumni.
82. Staring at Aumni for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
83. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Aumni's first visit to Tokyo.
84. The First rule of Aumni is: you do not talk about Aumni.
85. Aumni's blood type is WD-40.
86. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Aumni was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
87. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Aumni to go around.
88. If you Google search "Aumni getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
89. For undercover police work, Aumni pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
90. The only time Aumni was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
91. In an act of great philanthropy, Aumni made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
92. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Aumni 3. Cancer.
93. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Aumni has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
94. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Aumni would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
95. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Aumni out. It failed miserably.
96. The last man who made eye contact with Aumni was Ray Charles.
97. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Aumni's fist.
98. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Aumni. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
99. Crop circles are Aumni's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
100. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Aumni.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.