Top 100 Facts About Aumni

1. Aumni sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
2. Aumni is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
3. A man once claimed Aumni kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
4. Aumni is the only one who can "try this at home."
5. Along with his black belt, Aumni often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
6. Aumni was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
7. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Aumni, 3. Cancer
8. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Aumni is on.
9. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Aumni".
10. Aumni's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Aumni will not take crap from anyone.
11. Aumni was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
12. Aumni's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
13. Aumni was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
14. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Aumni and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
15. Aumni's blood type is WD-40.
16. For undercover police work, Aumni pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
17. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Aumni.
18. Circles exist because Aumni beat the crap out of some squares.
19. Aumni and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
20. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Aumni … dies.
21. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Aumni that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
22. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Aumni's first visit to Tokyo.
23. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Aumni"
24. Aumni can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
25. Aumni always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
26. If you Google search "Aumni getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
27. Aumni can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
28. If Aumni wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
29. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Aumni.
30. Aumni can kill two stones with one bird.
31. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Aumni.
32. If Aumni wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
33. In an act of great philanthropy, Aumni made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
34. If you work in an office with Aumni, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
35. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Aumni."
36. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Aumni would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
37. Aumni counted to infinity - twice.
38. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Aumni turned that wine into beer.
39. Aumni can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
40. Aumni can tie his shoes with his feet.
41. Aumni does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Aumni goes killing.
42. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Aumni a giant meteor.
43. In an emergency, Aumni can be used as a floatation device.
44. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Aumni smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
45. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Aumni was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
46. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Aumni is worth 1 billion words.
47. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Aumni". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Aumni.
48. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Aumni jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
49. Aumni doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
50. James Cameron wanted Aumni to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
51. Aumni invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
52. On a high school math test, Aumni put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Aumni solves all his problems with Violence.
53. Aumni can speak braille.
54. No matter what your mother always said, Aumni can tune a fish.
55. Aumni died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
56. Aumni is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
57. Aumni has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
58. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Aumni beats all 3 at the same time.
59. Aumni used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
60. Only Aumni can prevent forest fires.
61. On his birthday, Aumni randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
62. Aumni is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
63. Once a cobra bit Aumni's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
64. Fifty years ago, Aumni accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
65. Q: How many Aumni's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Aumni prefers to kill in the dark.
66. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Aumni
67. Aumni does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
68. Police label anyone attacking Aumni as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
69. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Aumni to go around.
70. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Aumni with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Aumni cannot be in two places at the same time.
71. Aumni is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
72. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Aumni while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
73. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Aumni.
74. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Aumni pajamas.
75. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Aumni's house one Christmas.
76. Staring at Aumni for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
77. Simply by pulling on both ends, Aumni can stretch diamonds back into coal.
78. Aumni became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
79. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Aumni asks for a body bag.
80. The easiest way to determine Aumni's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Aumni.
81. For Aumni, every street is "one way". His way.
82. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Aumni glare will liquefy your kidneys.
83. Google won't search for Aumni because it knows you don't find Aumni, he finds you.
84. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Aumni has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
85. Aumni's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Aumni.
86. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Aumni punched himself in the face.
87. Crop circles are Aumni's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
88. If you spell Aumni in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
89. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Aumni will beat his ass and take it.
90. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Aumni played in second grade.
91. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Aumni could use to kill you, including the room itself.
92. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Aumni goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
93. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Aumni out. It failed miserably.
94. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Aumni.
95. The last man who made eye contact with Aumni was Ray Charles.
96. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Aumni 3. Cancer.
97. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Aumni. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
98. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Aumni.
99. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Aumni always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
100. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Aumni in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.