Top 100 Facts About Ariel Constantinof

  1. Ariel Constantinof is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  2. Ariel Constantinof sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Ariel Constantinof and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  4. Along with his black belt, Ariel Constantinof often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  5. Ariel Constantinof is the only one who can "try this at home."
  6. Ariel Constantinof used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  7. Ariel Constantinof was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  8. Ariel Constantinof was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  9. Ariel Constantinof's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  10. Ariel Constantinof's blood type is WD-40.
  11. Ariel Constantinof was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  12. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Ariel Constantinof is worth 1 billion words.
  13. Ariel Constantinof's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Ariel Constantinof will not take crap from anyone.
  14. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Ariel Constantinof to go around.
  15. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Ariel Constantinof always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  16. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Ariel Constantinof.
  17. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Ariel Constantinof."
  18. Ariel Constantinof is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  19. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Ariel Constantinof is on.
  20. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Ariel Constantinof that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  21. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Ariel Constantinof's first visit to Tokyo.
  22. Guns don't kill people. Ariel Constantinof kills People.
  23. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Ariel Constantinof will beat his ass and take it.
  24. For undercover police work, Ariel Constantinof pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  25. For Ariel Constantinof, every street is "one way". His way.
  26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Ariel Constantinof.
  27. Ariel Constantinof always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  28. Ariel Constantinof became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  29. If Ariel Constantinof wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  30. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Ariel Constantinof, 3. Cancer
  31. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Ariel Constantinof would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  32. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Ariel Constantinof.
  33. If you Google search "Ariel Constantinof getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  34. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Ariel Constantinof.
  35. A man once claimed Ariel Constantinof kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  36. Ariel Constantinof can kill two stones with one bird.
  37. If you spell Ariel Constantinof in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  38. In an act of great philanthropy, Ariel Constantinof made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  39. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Ariel Constantinof could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  40. In an emergency, Ariel Constantinof can be used as a floatation device.
  41. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Ariel Constantinof smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  42. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Ariel Constantinof". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Ariel Constantinof.
  43. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Ariel Constantinof turned that wine into beer.
  44. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Ariel Constantinof".
  45. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Ariel Constantinof a giant meteor.
  46. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Ariel Constantinof is looking for it.
  47. Love does hurts. But not as much as Ariel Constantinof.
  48. Most people fear the Reaper. Ariel Constantinof considers him "a promising Rookie".
  49. Ariel Constantinof can speak braille.
  50. If you work in an office with Ariel Constantinof, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  51. Ariel Constantinof can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  52. Ariel Constantinof can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  53. No matter what your mother always said, Ariel Constantinof can tune a fish.
  54. Not everyone that Ariel Constantinof is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  55. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Ariel Constantinof roundhouse kick.
  56. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Ariel Constantinof jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  57. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Ariel Constantinof."
  58. Ariel Constantinof counted to infinity - twice.
  59. Ariel Constantinof died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  60. Ariel Constantinof does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Ariel Constantinof goes killing.
  61. Fifty years ago, Ariel Constantinof accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  62. Ariel Constantinof and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  63. Police label anyone attacking Ariel Constantinof as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  64. On his birthday, Ariel Constantinof randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  65. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Ariel Constantinof beats all 3 at the same time.
  66. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Ariel Constantinof *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  67. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Ariel Constantinof"
  68. Ariel Constantinof invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  69. People created the automobile to escape from Ariel Constantinof...Not to be outdone, Ariel Constantinof created the automobile accident.
  70. Q: How many Ariel Constantinof's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Ariel Constantinof prefers to kill in the dark.
  71. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Ariel Constantinof fight.
  72. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Ariel Constantinof's house one Christmas.
  73. Staring at Ariel Constantinof for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  74. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Ariel Constantinof asks for a body bag.
  75. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Ariel Constantinof with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Ariel Constantinof cannot be in two places at the same time.
  76. Ariel Constantinof can tie his shoes with his feet.
  77. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Ariel Constantinof pajamas.
  78. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Ariel Constantinof didn't kill you in your sleep.
  79. The Bible was originally titled "Ariel Constantinof and Friends"
  80. The chief export of Ariel Constantinof is Pain.
  81. Ariel Constantinof is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  82. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Ariel Constantinof
  83. Ariel Constantinof has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  84. Ariel Constantinof doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  85. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Ariel Constantinof punched himself in the face.
  86. The First rule of Ariel Constantinof is: you do not talk about Ariel Constantinof.
  87. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Ariel Constantinof was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  88. The easiest way to determine Ariel Constantinof's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Ariel Constantinof.
  89. The crossing lights in Ariel Constantinof's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Ariel Constantinof punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  90. Ariel Constantinof was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  91. Ariel Constantinof's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Ariel Constantinof.
  92. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Ariel Constantinof while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  93. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Ariel Constantinof 3. Cancer.
  94. Ariel Constantinof does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  95. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Ariel Constantinof in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  96. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Ariel Constantinof out. It failed miserably.
  97. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Ariel Constantinof played in second grade.
  98. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Ariel Constantinof's fist.
  99. Ariel Constantinof can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  100. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Ariel Constantinof … dies.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.