Top 100 Facts About Ariel Constantinof

  1. Ariel Constantinof is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  2. Ariel Constantinof sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Ariel Constantinof and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  4. Along with his black belt, Ariel Constantinof often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  5. Ariel Constantinof is the only one who can "try this at home."
  6. Ariel Constantinof used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  7. Ariel Constantinof was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  8. Ariel Constantinof was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  9. Circles exist because Ariel Constantinof beat the crap out of some squares.
  10. Ariel Constantinof's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Ariel Constantinof.
  11. Ariel Constantinof was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  12. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Ariel Constantinof is worth 1 billion words.
  13. Ariel Constantinof's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  14. Crop circles are Ariel Constantinof's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  15. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Ariel Constantinof.
  16. For Ariel Constantinof, every street is "one way". His way.
  17. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Ariel Constantinof."
  18. Ariel Constantinof is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  19. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Ariel Constantinof is on.
  20. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Ariel Constantinof that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  21. Google won't search for Ariel Constantinof because it knows you don't find Ariel Constantinof, he finds you.
  22. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Ariel Constantinof … dies.
  23. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Ariel Constantinof's first visit to Tokyo.
  24. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Ariel Constantinof will beat his ass and take it.
  25. For undercover police work, Ariel Constantinof pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Ariel Constantinof.
  27. Ariel Constantinof always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  28. Ariel Constantinof became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  29. If Ariel Constantinof wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  30. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Ariel Constantinof, 3. Cancer
  31. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Ariel Constantinof.
  32. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Ariel Constantinof.
  33. If you spell Ariel Constantinof in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  34. In an act of great philanthropy, Ariel Constantinof made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  35. A man once claimed Ariel Constantinof kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  36. Ariel Constantinof can kill two stones with one bird.
  37. If you work in an office with Ariel Constantinof, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Ariel Constantinof could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  39. In an emergency, Ariel Constantinof can be used as a floatation device.
  40. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Ariel Constantinof turned that wine into beer.
  41. James Cameron wanted Ariel Constantinof to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  42. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Ariel Constantinof needs toothpicks.
  43. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Ariel Constantinof was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  44. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Ariel Constantinof".
  45. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Ariel Constantinof smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  46. Little known medical fact: Ariel Constantinof invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  47. Most people fear the Reaper. Ariel Constantinof considers him "a promising Rookie".
  48. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Ariel Constantinof."
  49. Ariel Constantinof can speak braille.
  50. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Ariel Constantinof would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  51. Ariel Constantinof can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  52. Ariel Constantinof can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  53. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Ariel Constantinof.
  54. On a high school math test, Ariel Constantinof put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Ariel Constantinof solves all his problems with Violence.
  55. No matter what your mother always said, Ariel Constantinof can tune a fish.
  56. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Ariel Constantinof roundhouse kick.
  57. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Ariel Constantinof jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  58. Ariel Constantinof counted to infinity - twice.
  59. Ariel Constantinof died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  60. Ariel Constantinof does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Ariel Constantinof goes killing.
  61. Only Ariel Constantinof can prevent forest fires.
  62. Ariel Constantinof and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  63. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Ariel Constantinof *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  64. Once a cobra bit Ariel Constantinof's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  65. People created the automobile to escape from Ariel Constantinof...Not to be outdone, Ariel Constantinof created the automobile accident.
  66. Q: How many Ariel Constantinof's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Ariel Constantinof prefers to kill in the dark.
  67. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Ariel Constantinof"
  68. Ariel Constantinof invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  69. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Ariel Constantinof
  70. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Ariel Constantinof fight.
  71. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Ariel Constantinof's house one Christmas.
  72. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Ariel Constantinof with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Ariel Constantinof cannot be in two places at the same time.
  73. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Ariel Constantinof glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  74. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Ariel Constantinof likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  75. Simply by pulling on both ends, Ariel Constantinof can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  76. Ariel Constantinof can tie his shoes with his feet.
  77. Staring at Ariel Constantinof for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  78. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Ariel Constantinof come off without a hitch.
  79. The chief export of Ariel Constantinof is Pain.
  80. The crossing lights in Ariel Constantinof's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Ariel Constantinof punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  81. Ariel Constantinof is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  82. Police label anyone attacking Ariel Constantinof as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  83. Ariel Constantinof has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  84. Ariel Constantinof doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  85. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Ariel Constantinof.
  86. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Ariel Constantinof has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  87. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Ariel Constantinof punched himself in the face.
  88. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Ariel Constantinof was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  89. The easiest way to determine Ariel Constantinof's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Ariel Constantinof.
  90. Ariel Constantinof's blood type is WD-40.
  91. Ariel Constantinof's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Ariel Constantinof will not take crap from anyone.
  92. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Ariel Constantinof to go around.
  93. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Ariel Constantinof goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  94. Ariel Constantinof does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  95. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Ariel Constantinof's fist.
  96. The last man who made eye contact with Ariel Constantinof was Ray Charles.
  97. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Ariel Constantinof. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  98. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Ariel Constantinof. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  99. Ariel Constantinof can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  100. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Ariel Constantinof.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.