Top 100 Facts About Andrei Crivat

  1. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Andrei Crivat is worth 1 billion words.
  2. Andrei Crivat is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  3. Andrei Crivat is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  4. Andrei Crivat is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  5. Andrei Crivat was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  6. Along with his black belt, Andrei Crivat often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  7. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Andrei Crivat"
  8. Andrei Crivat used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  9. Andrei Crivat was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  10. Andrei Crivat is the only one who can "try this at home."
  11. A man once claimed Andrei Crivat kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  12. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Andrei Crivat".
  13. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Andrei Crivat while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  14. Circles exist because Andrei Crivat beat the crap out of some squares.
  15. Andrei Crivat's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Andrei Crivat will not take crap from anyone.
  16. Andrei Crivat's blood type is WD-40.
  17. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Andrei Crivat.
  18. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Andrei Crivat.
  19. Andrei Crivat always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  20. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Andrei Crivat … dies.
  21. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Andrei Crivat is on.
  22. Google won't search for Andrei Crivat because it knows you don't find Andrei Crivat, he finds you.
  23. Guns don't kill people. Andrei Crivat kills people.
  24. For undercover police work, Andrei Crivat pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  25. Andrei Crivat and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  26. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Andrei Crivat.
  27. If you spell Andrei Crivat in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  28. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Andrei Crivat and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  29. Andrei Crivat can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  30. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Andrei Crivat that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  31. In an act of great philanthropy, Andrei Crivat made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  32. If you ask Andrei Crivat what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  33. Andrei Crivat became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  34. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Andrei Crivat would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  35. If you Google search "Andrei Crivat getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  36. If Andrei Crivat wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  37. In an emergency, Andrei Crivat can be used as a floatation device.
  38. Andrei Crivat can speak braille.
  39. Andrei Crivat can tie his shoes with his feet.
  40. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Andrei Crivat could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  41. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Andrei Crivat was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  42. If you work in an office with Andrei Crivat, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  43. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Andrei Crivat."
  44. Andrei Crivat died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  45. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Andrei Crivat can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  46. James Cameron wanted Andrei Crivat to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  47. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Andrei Crivat a giant meteor.
  48. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Andrei Crivat". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Andrei Crivat.
  49. Andrei Crivat does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  50. Most people fear the Reaper. Andrei Crivat considers him "a promising Rookie".
  51. Andrei Crivat does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Andrei Crivat goes killing.
  52. On a high school math test, Andrei Crivat put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Andrei Crivat solves all his problems with Violence.
  53. Andrei Crivat can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  54. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Andrei Crivat.
  55. Not everyone that Andrei Crivat is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  56. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Andrei Crivat jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  57. Andrei Crivat doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  58. Once a cobra bit Andrei Crivat's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  59. People created the automobile to escape from Andrei Crivat...Not to be outdone, Andrei Crivat created the automobile accident.
  60. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Andrei Crivat, 3. Cancer
  61. Andrei Crivat invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  62. Andrei Crivat can kill two stones with one bird.
  63. Q: How many Andrei Crivat's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Andrei Crivat prefers to kill in the dark.
  64. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Andrei Crivat bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  65. Andrei Crivat has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  66. Police label anyone attacking Andrei Crivat as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  67. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Andrei Crivat beats all 3 at the same time.
  68. Only Andrei Crivat can prevent forest fires.
  69. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Andrei Crivat's house one Christmas.
  70. Andrei Crivat was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  71. Andrei Crivat's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Andrei Crivat.
  72. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Andrei Crivat fight.
  73. Simply by pulling on both ends, Andrei Crivat can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  74. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Andrei Crivat
  75. Andrei Crivat counted to infinity - twice.
  76. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Andrei Crivat to go around.
  77. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Andrei Crivat gets too hot.
  78. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Andrei Crivat glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  79. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Andrei Crivat pajamas.
  80. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Andrei Crivat asks for a body bag.
  81. Crop circles are Andrei Crivat's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  82. The chief export of Andrei Crivat is Pain.
  83. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Andrei Crivat always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  84. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Andrei Crivat has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  85. Andrei Crivat sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  86. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Andrei Crivat.
  87. The First rule of Andrei Crivat is: you do not talk about Andrei Crivat.
  88. The easiest way to determine Andrei Crivat's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Andrei Crivat.
  89. For Andrei Crivat, every street is "one way". His way.
  90. The last man who made eye contact with Andrei Crivat was Ray Charles.
  91. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Andrei Crivat. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  92. Andrei Crivat can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  93. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Andrei Crivat's first visit to Tokyo.
  94. Andrei Crivat is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  95. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Andrei Crivat. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  96. The only time Andrei Crivat was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  97. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Andrei Crivat will beat his ass and take it.
  98. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Andrei Crivat in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  99. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Andrei Crivat played in second grade.
  100. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Andrei Crivat goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.